317: Flesh and Blood

Momma Pope

How can you hurt your baby daddy like that? Favor me a detour; I know many folks in all areas of the Capital City would want to do some type harm to their ex or child's pappy, but mortal wounding is not the answer. One, I ask again, how do you so deftly know where all the players are? Momma badass, how do you gain unilateral, universal, damn near omniscient access to everyone; everywhere??? Honestly! Many a DC office building has either lobby security or key card access. Momma no good, who is working with you? Did Adnan leave a little bug behind? Woman, for a stone cold killer, you either are pretty sloppy, you have compassion running through your veins or you are just plain losing your touch. It’s clear to this couch observer that you didn’t want Poppa dead. You know how to do dead, that is your specialty, and you are really good doing dead! Instead, you leave him clinging to life. Did you do that so he could at least say goodbye to your "baby?" You know, I could never walk into the cavern that is your brain because I’m afraid I wouldn’t get out alive. No one I know would be brave enough to come in to save me. Not a trip I want to take anyways. For now, I'll leave you to your devices only after you share with me the name of the unfortunate fool that is helping you. I’d like to invite them to consume a heaping double dose of whoop ass, served by yours truly. Yeah girl, I got skills, oh, you didn’t know? You’d better ask somebody. I'm still watching you, your Psychotic-ness!

Poppa Pope

I've run the gamut of emotions with you. It's been a wild ride. I've feared you, loathed you, and respected you, now I'm actually pulling for you. Yes, I'm even praying for you. I am not ready for you to be gone, your monologues are priceless, you are a true champion, die hard warrior, but I think you've may have done your job. You have defended the B613 dog you love; she will not be repatriated with you at the helm. You've even shown your love to your darling daughter. I don't recall you ever telling her you love her. Not that kind of guy huh? I think you will have a nice parting shot for her, share something soul stirring, like she has a sibling or something. Spare the child so she has someone left in this world to relate to, some real memories, better yet, just stick around and be her dad. I have an idea! Maybe Olivia can disappear you so you can heal on your own terms while she handles Mommy dearest. Her head must be about to explode after learning and dealing with such whacked parental units. It's a wonder she hasn’t started hanging at the crack bar down the street next to Wonderland. I recommend you give her a good tip on a rehab facility. Just don't send her to mine!

Olivia

Darling.... A word to the wise? Change your address and quickly. I realize office space is at a premium in your quadrant of the city, but I suggest you acquire new office or call in an exorcist. People have irrevocably soiled your floor, the couches, desks, with sweaty sex, dirty death, and has played host to not one but two elite killer squad reunions! Too many filthy secrets. Forget the cleaner, just move. That place will always stink of such even if you have it thoroughly cleaned. There will always be too many demons running through the halls. That's not the least of your worries, a bomb is about to go off and blow up some important folks; your mother is responsible for the bomb and is out there somewhere and oh yeah, she attempted to kill your dad; Harrison's life is on the line; you know Mellie's deepest darkest secret; Freaky Quinn aka Baby Huck is back in the fold; Jake is tugging away at your heart, like you tugged at his zipper; Fitz is acting like a jealous cad, and alas I fear Huck is about to hit you with some more crazy ass news that takes him over a friggin cliff.  Again. Resurrect the Gladiators girl, the battle is only beginning! This battle is not yours, so I suggest you have the proper backup! Handle it!

Harrison

The more I believe in you the more I find I’m just wasting my time. First of all, you find time to make light of the fact that you are surrounded by trained killers and the trainer at OPA. The genius that exists in your brain makes a decision to try to crack a joke with Poppa Assassination when you should have been shaking in your silk boxers! ( er, they are silk aren't they?) Anyway, after sharing an authentic bonding moment with Poppa, you proceed to destinations known to only you, and possibly Poppy. He's on a gurney en route to an operating room somewhere, and the cavalry doesn’t even know you are in trouble. Again, you walk smack into a trap. I give you the authority to overpower her, take her gun and spank that stanky skank! Tricky Chick got you slam in a fix. Hey "It aint no fun when the rabbit's got the gun” wouldn’t you agree? I'm not feeling you right now, so I'm going to have to insist you sit down. I'm not sure you are gonna be around to yell at next season.

Mellie

Your snarky, sexy, musky-toned jewel of a range in voice and attitude has me wanting to light up a cigarette to accompany whatever the hell is in that mug from which you've been drinking! You're so broken, exposed and vulnerable, your world should be your oyster, but it’s your onion, and the layers are falling apart! There was a reason maybe big Gerry's name was bandied about; a reason you requested a paternity test. At the end of last season, we had a reluctant Fitz return to you, but that was fake. This year, both of you have taken steps to go beyond breaking to shattering what's left of your relationship, and this is real. Something's gotta give. I’d say It's a little safer to peer into your brain….. honeeey what must you be thinking? Your husband's side piece may turn out to be your biggest advocate, cheerleader and confidante. You are in love with a man you can’t have because your hubby now manages two members, neither of which are pointing in your direction any time soon. Your husband's father may be the father of your husband’s brother or even worse your husband may be the father of his own child, imagine that? With any scenario there is bound to be some major drama. I'm thinking Andrew survives the bombing, comes to an epiphany that life is too short as a result and reveals your secret to Fitz so he can help you heal. Side note hunny bunny; the only secrets in ScandaLand are the open ones. I feel for you; I think I love you -- sike. Seriously Mel - this is an easy fix, seek Jesus!

Fitzgerald

Yes someone wants you dead stupid, you're the POTUS. Duh!! Whoever prepared you to run for office should have told you that as soon as you step out with whatever platform you run on, there are people with the exact opposite position to yours. Some of these people are willing to risk life and limb, are considered extremists and oh, yeah, they may even want you dead. Dude, whatever it is that you smoke on a daily basis, tote tote pass, (sharing is caring) then maybe I can tolerate your egocentrism. It's your world, right? Make your haters your appreciators, or get blown to bits trying. Whoa! You feel that? It's a chill wind, the same one that's going to bring you strange news and the one that's going to whisk OCP away from you. The last I checked, it was about twenty something degrees in Vermont, I'm just saying!

Jake

Well big dog, you is free now. What will you do with all that time? Stalk the Popes? The White House owns your beautiful chiseled ass again I suspect. One question, how can the President put his trust in you to watch his back knowing you are putting your dipstick in his honeypot? Inquiring minds really want to know.

Cyrus

You know you won’t get away with this, don’t you? You have information a bomb is going to potentially kill hundreds and you do nothng? Don't you realize that Jake the snake will snitch on a bish? You have certainly evolved this season, from the villain, to a victim, you've been vilified and have reverted to a vile, vengeful, venomous, vindictive sliver of a human being who profoundly vitiated the beauty of your relationship with James. He would be proud. NOT! Sure I'm evoking the memory of your dead husband to check you boo, somebody needs to. Go hang out with your girl Mellie, sit beside her on the pew, you need Jesus too. And mucho prayer!

Charlie Quinn yesterday, Huckleberry Quinn today
Well Ms. Perky Little Perkins, Cyrus isn’t the only one who has evolved in SLand. You were a meek yet waif of a being, scared of your own shadow, bereft of your personal memories when, all of a sudden you had a family at OPA. You were a Gladiator, in a suit no less. You said it, you believed it. You then fell from grace and hung out with the devil himself, knowing it would piss off someone truly special. You were always looking over your shoulder because you were still someone else's unfinished business. You're all grown up now, you found yourself and that killer chick inside of you, but you still need the approval of that certain someone truly special. So what do you do? You get in touch with the freak inside you and she takes over. As a result you can't control your inner truth! You get all hot and bothered; you never watch your back while you were doing the buck a Huck dance giving up your cookie snatch in a public parking garage. Momma walked right up past you entangled monkeys into OPA and tapped Poppy's ass. Lucy, y'all gon have some splainin to do! Hell, when Charlie finds out you're not so special after all, you're really gonna be screwed! I hope those three grunts of ecstasy were worth it! I see a 60 second sex tape in your future.

I have to mention Debbie Allen produced this episode. It was artsy; jumpy; crazy; felt a little loopy; it was still delightfully delicious to watch but it left way too circles broken. Like, how did Jake’s hand leave Liv’s neck? How did the President just “show up” at OPA after B613 went dark, and how all of a sudden did Fitz and Cyrus agree that Poppa Pope was “the man?”. There were other disconnects, and I’m sure they will be answered next season. When the smoke clears from the bomb there will surely be multiple funerals. Somehow I think the survivors include Leo and Senator McSexy, they seem to make things interesting. It may be premature, but let’s join in and have a moment of silence for Sally the baconator.  Amen, and amen!

316: The Fluffer

Mind damnit blown!

I don’t know where to begin so let’s start with sweet sappy stupid Senator McSexy.  Andrew, are you that innocent or are you actually that stupid? I read somewhere that when you are dead, you allegedly don’t know that you are dead, its difficult only for others. It’s the same when you are stupid.  Stupid!  You are a politician, a statesman, a public servant  and you are in love!  That's all good and well but you are smitten with the forbidden fruit my man! You'd best get in line lest ye be banished from the garden, like forever!   I swear you and Fitz must have been bred in the same school for stupid world leaders.  Let me make this clear, Mellie is off limits, you can’t have her. She’s married, (she’s a freak) to your partner and friend (yeah, but she’s a freak) who chose you to bring on the ticket. (Did you see what she did last week? She’s a freakin freak!!!) Here’s the thing Drew, Liv was absolutely right, she was a bit harsh, but she was right. Mellie is certainly a "run with the big dogs kind of woman". There is a part of Mellie that would have loved you down to your bare loving soul, then when she was raw from giving it up, she would have given you up.  Your arms, your bed and your life would be empty. You put a lot into your career and will lose it for what? A roll on the White House carpet? (Since no one can find anything to screw on other than a desk or the floor) You love her? Let her go, you know the rest, you're not that dumb!  You do a good job at standing up to Liv, but she’s not the one you need to have the conversation with. You're going to need a little selfie face time.

“Tell me something, …what’s it like being you?... cutting peoples throats and calling it politics; appealing to the lowest basic part of humanity scraping the bottom of a person’s soul, carrying out these little emotional assasinations…. I love her.”

You stood there defiant, chin up,  with your healing black eye still smarting as Liv handed you your drawers to wipe your tears; dry up your body moisture and put them away. She patted you on the back, told you to man up in a way only she could deliver and only you would understand.  She also gave another gift.  She just gave you a clear path to the presidency in four years; big dog. 

Left Hook Mellie

Words cannot describe how I'm feeling you this week!  You stepped up with an open faced, five fingered kaboww followed up with a public screaming tantrum, well girl, after I picked up my bottom lip from the floor, I stood up gave you a one woman standing O!  

Gabby Pope

Ah, but the best of the best get disrespected before they are respected. Out of all the gladiators, you have a lot of substance, a great deal of style, you have a backbone and are semi ethical. You have to be willing to get your hands a little more dirty to be OCP, but you done good this week for starters girlie. Word of warning, watch out for a couple of folks in the Blanca Mansion; that creep Leo may try to make a move on you girlfriend, he is weird and seemingly finds being obnoxious a turn-on! Nice coat, but looks like Cyrus might have his eyes on it, don't take it off!   Don’t worry about the others, they are too busy nursing their libidos to even remember your name, Gabby. Great ultimate fluff to the fluffer when she shared with you her father wanted to disappear her and she should have run.

"You don't get to run. You're a gladiator. Gladiators don't run. They fight, they slay dragons, they wipe off the blood and stich up their wounds and they live to fight another day. You dont get to run."

Best OCP imitation thus far. Love it!  Word of advice, don't do the proxy thing anymore, while your in-house imitation works your external imitation works more like roach repellant, you would have been more effective if you sang Kumbayah. Keep working the political destruction in the background, you're good at that.

The Family that Preys; part deux

Momma Maya

The Bicked Witch of the best. You are revered in your industry, according to now extinct one affair Claire. You didn't have to kill that poor chile to make a point! Who are you? It’s official, you have bigger gonads than your baby daddy. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest when you joined your daughter and ex for dinner.  How do you keep tabs on them, where does your intel come from?  Good or bad, you can get er done; your can do attitude has been inherited by your daughter.  I'm going to need more scenes with you and Eli, you have some serious catching up to do. You don't need a knife, all you need to do is sharpen your claws.

Eli the doting daddy 

Your words are like poetry; yet you are as verbose as you are manic! 

"I’m helping you put down an animal, a dog that isn’t mine anymore... a dog that is sick and malnourished because its new master doesn’t know how to care for it ...so rather than sit here and see it watch it bleed to death I’ve chosen to euthanize it to show it mercy not because I hate it but because I love it" 

Your next line to your daughter should have been but not as much as I love you beloved, but you're not the normal matriarch of a normal family now, are you? You knew at the outset that your daughter would do whatever it took to bring down B613, the sick dog, even sleep with Jake. Every move you make, is premeditated, it wasn't Huck making the request, it was your orchestration. You just let the pieces fall into place. You pimped your baby girl. Does Momma Maya know what you've done? Bringing wits to a knife fight wasn't the thing to do in the restaurant.  You're going to get your wish, but you just might get your baby girl killed in the meantime. 

Poped, Pimped and Poppin it

Olivia  you remind me of the song by the Whispers -  "got distracted on her way, to grandmothers house... now she's turned out, lost and turned out."   More like turned up wouldn't you agree? How do you do what you do? How you do bounce between beds like that?  Is that your way of fixing you? Way to get to Fitz; am I your fluffer today?? The green in jealous does look kind of petty on you, I must say.   You send in Abby as your proxy and all hell still broke loose! Girlfriend, you did have a rough day, your lover boy yelled at you, you yelled back  at him, tore down the VEEP on the ticket, disrespected a Senator and oh yeah, you are frozen in your seat while having dinner with pops as your terrorist; killer mom sashays over to the table throws back your wine, giggles, tells you she loves you, throws shade at your pops and Pope struts away.   Hard day in the life of a fixer, you say. Your solution is to almost get shot by your murderous rejected fake ex boyfriend.  You go to his place to sex him. You are ranting about your rough day and you are wearing your "do me" eyes, all to disguise the fact that you are after something!  All because Huck gave you a guilt line? Chick please! You never say what you want, you handle his advances, you do him so good he passes the hell out. (Oh yes, he's done)  You did enjoy yourself. You show a little remorse when you pick up the device to attach it to his device. (So good, you did it twice) You were so convincing. You told him you missed him too, did you lie? He was convinced.  I know I was! He trusted you and you betrayed him.  You did the unspeakable. You used the power of the poonany proficiently to procure an end to the pervasive power of B613 with your daddy's help. Now you must remember what your dad told you "You may not trust me but at least be smart enough to know my priorities and predict my behavior accordingly" Think Liv think.... aw dayam! Too late! Dead poonany walking! The killer is in the building. 

Consider it handled

Fitzgerald Grant. Either you are a complete control freak, a crybaby, or you are exclusively led by the whip in your pants.  I need Andrew to stop screwing my wife, wah!!! I want a new candidate on the ticket wah!!!  Because Andrew is screwing my wife!!! wahh!! My wife is not sexual wah!!! But Andrew is screwing my wife!!! Wah!!!  Oh man shut the hell up, you're making my toes itch!!  You are screwing your side piece - oh no, "The love of my life" you call her, but you also want to be loved by the one you married and for punishment, you take what little pleasures your wife have in a man that actually loves her.  I'm totally missing something here, what's good for the goose, right?   You then decide have a hissy because said sidepiece called in sick (of your ass) and sent her proxy who you totally dissed.   You treated her like the shinola on your shoe! (Old heads know the whole phrase! LOL!!) What's left of my respect for you is fleeting at best, and it's official, you are a whino.  To make matters even worse you decide to go out on your own and vet a candidate for your ticket that would result in veritable political suicide. Now most candidates have a committee for vetting and doing research and background checks on a potential candidate, not the friggin POTUS!!!  While you should be involved in the process at some point, there is no way you would do that personally! Dam dude! Isn't it enough doing your job?Must you do the job of the minions that surround you as well? I'm going to need to rewrite your job description.  Go lay down in the crib next to Teddi; you need a babysitter,  and shut up while you're at it.  All you needed to do was lead the free world and you can't even do that right. 

Alone and Standing in the Sun

Jake.  “I been drankin; I been drankin…” Now, any self-respecting lovelorn reject would at least make drunk calls or send drunk texts hoping it would land you up in the middle of a real live booty call.  Nooo, you go and knock on Liv’s door! What were you thinking? Ooops, you weren’t, you were drinking!  That’s one reason to hide behind the truth that the OC (Original Command) put down to you last week; you are ALONE.  Now, that’s different from lonely, and if you don’t know the difference between the two by now, I pity you fool. I’m questioning a lot about you, one is about your sanity. You should be a little more paranoid than you are, yet you are obstinate and arrogant. You are not the plan ahead kind of guy are you? Well, OC was and he got your ass this time, oh yes with the help of his baby girl who pimped herself out to get next to you, (pardon the pun) one more time.  (Note; she even got the booty call down better than you did, and you fell for it!) Now here we are, your hands around her neck with a justifiable homicide story all played out and ready to go in your head. The first time she wound up in the hospital, granted, that was a horrible accident. Ooops! She bumped her head, while trying to get away from you after she was horrified to discover were literally stalking her.  This time, it’s deliberate and it’s for the sake of the future of the Republic; what will you choose? 

Harrison and Huck

Another awkward Scandal bromance. Huck lost Jake as his kickside since he graduated from being a gremlin to a full fledged monster. The two of you hairballs commiserate over a drink while having a "mans man" conversation about women? That was both hysterical and weird on so many levels. A more random conversation on the impact of global warming on homelessness would have been more profound and believeable coming from a man who licks women's faces for kicks. Then Harrison you tell Huck "You're lucky your not normal, man"? Dude, exactly what does "Normal" look like??? Your idea of normal is once you buy a girl a drink, the drawers are yours. Oh yeah, then they become the new pain in your neck. Come on home to mamma baby, I need to teach you a thing or two about women! Huck, you stay back, I’m not giving you any reason to drink whiskey in my house!

You're Special

Charlie is the gnat that flies around your head, the schitt on your shoe, the attention seeking ass that talks way too loudly on the phone while in line at the grocery store.  How many times are you going to threaten Robin with that whole your special, line in reference to dating. She doesn't need much, a simple, I love you will do. This whole, moving in without asking, 24 hour surveilance, spending time together, forced fusing, aw hell no. You won't even let the darn girl breathe! We all know the only thing you truly find special is a 38 Smith & Wesson. Watch your back Quinn. On the other hand, all the rest of your prior lovers have wound up in the land of permanent past tense. Nothing beats forever but to die.  I'm just sayin. 

Best bitchfight of the week 

Leo:  "I'm the awesome client from awesome town" 

Cyrus:  "More like suck it town"

315: Momma Said Knock You Out

Pope Obsessed; Man on Fire; Las Lonely Boy

Jake, the mistake. You’ve got Momma Mya in your cross hairs; you’ve now threatened OC and Poppa Pope so I’m sure we have to look forward to some dysfunctional Pope family moments initiated by you.  You’re a man alone, Rowan could not have said it any better, you are A LONE. Did your power trip wear off and you realize you didn’t pack your bag properly? In addition to that, instead of taking down the Momma Mya and the terrorists  who intend to do something wickedly viscious to the Presidential motorcade, you let their plans fly, just to see what they are going to do next.  You my man are a twick, fisted suck. I mean that with the highest degree of sincerity. Way to protect the republic. Command doesn’t look half as good on you as it did on Poppa Pope. Sorry.

Mean Cyrus Beene

Seriously, a vase? You’re going to attack a cold blooded killer with a vase? How did you find out anyway? Who told you? In your grief and looking for answers to why James died, all you really need to do is look at the man in the mirror. (I’m asking him to change his ways…)  Honestly I can’t understand how you can reconcile your guilty blame and hurl accusations even if they are true.  How can you look into that chunky baby’s eyes and not swallow a heaping of self-loathing?  How can you live with yourself? Like I said before you put a lot of this into motion, you are an above and beyond exemplary employee, but you were an abysmal husband. Abandoned twice, once by the divorce choice and once by death force; don’t you think it’s time to reconsider your priorities?  I’m wondering which Cyrus Beene we will see in the next episode? Will we see the employee who is faithful to his country and understands the way things have to be? Will we see baby Ella’s daddy? Will we see James mourning widower? Just do me a favor Cy and stay away from anything resembling B613 and your days will be longer and happier.  

Angels Up; Gladiator down

Harrison - I read on a Tumblr blog post last week that every time you have lines in Scandal an angel gets his or her wings. Well, Gabriel done got his trumpet and blew; a legion of angels has been born!  Can the church say Amen? Ehem - seriously dude, the more I teach you, the dumber I get! You give new meaning to sleeping with the enemy. Duh! NOT!!! A couple of rolls on the floor with Adnan, or the desk, or the couch in your office and your little head is now ruling the big one?   (Sidebar: Does anyone use beds in ShondaLand? The set must smell like nastiness magnified - dassbootay! I digress...)  Ok, you let the viper in the playpen and she bit your ass.  Trick drops her drawers and you’re “all in!” Whaaaat??? What hurts worse now? The fact that you knew she was going to strike or your incredible asinine trust in the power of your pecker you thought would calm her down?  Newsflash Glad in a suit!! You are pretty, you do pretty talk fast, but your game has now played you, your fellow GIAS’ and old what’s his name down the street on Pennsylvania Avenue, remember him? You know?  The President?   Let’s hope SOMEONE in Gladiator Central had the presence of mind to put controls in place to detect such a Viper. I’m afraid all hell is going to break out if that isn’t the case.  Dude; don’t even look at me, go on - gag yourself and go somewhere and sit your ass down. As a matter of fact, take two seats!

 Melody! OMG! Smells like Dassbooty!

Mellie, you’re back to being messy again. You people just don’t learn do you? The first rule in whoring while being a mother is not to get caught by your teen daughter while on your knees while pleasing Uncle Senator McSexy! (Damn, they call him Uncle?) Your daughter is going to need a little more than therapy after this.  Right now, stop what you are doing, go find OCPope and apologize to her.  It seems to me you had a speech that referenced keeping knees together? Well, honey, looks like you should have taken your own words to heart and stayed off yours. I guess from now on you will be watching what goes into, er I mean comes out of that filthy little mouth of yours. Good thing you changed into the blue dress AFTER wards, we wouldn’t want to have history repeat itself now would we?

You’re still a Fitzaster 

Fitz. Fitz. Fitz. OK POTUS, you got it out of your system, you finally told her how you felt, she broke you.  “You broke us.”  You wouldn’t let me touch you.  You had that motor running on over time, now didn’t you? You just don’t know when to shut the heck up.  You’re an idiot. It was obvious your WIFE was trying to tell you something, but you have all the answers now, don’t you? Yelling at Liv, oh yeah that was priceless, your ass is lucky she didn’t morph into the beloved Oprah character, slug you, drop the mike and walk away. So now, you have to figure out where you going to get some, your wife is giving away your cookie to the McSexy Veep, and your Side Piece is auditioning for the sequel to the Help. Oh, btw; I will be glued to the screen when we find out that your son, your Father’s namesake is actually your brother. 

The Family that Preys

Momma Mya; you are perfect in your deceptions, you are Queenly majestic yet will strike quick like a panther. You got to your baby girl in a way that no one could, but I hope she sees that you showed her your hand, but you had to make your ruse convincing now, didn’t you.  You didn’t have to make your baby girl cry. You are one mean momma, Momma.

Poppa Pope; I have to ask the question, are you responding to your baby girl’s requests out of a blood bond, or the potential shedding of yours? Mortality seems to smack you dead in the face when you know death could be on your door at any minute.  Bravo for you standing up and telling Jake the snake to piss off in pure Rowan style, I’m afraid you are going to have to mend that fence with your baby girl and seek her guidance to fix a couple of things for you. What do you think?

Olivia; your Pope strut looks more like a duck walk, but you’re still the boss! Never forget -  you is kind; you is smart; you is important, but you is not the help.  You have a family of misfits calling themselves Gladiators that depend on you.  They jump into action to do what it takes to help you fix things. Everyone comes to you with their messes to clean up, because you’re that girl, and you are damned good at it. You are not what your mom says you are. Chile you’re getting paid, and what’s more you’re at the top of the balance when it comes to wielding power in your town. I admit you do have some serious family issues to overcome, hey, you could have had your husband killed, slept with your father in law or even find out that your son is your brother.  In comparison, you have nooo issues.  Your mom is just an international terrorist and your dad was a government sanctioned domestic terrorist. They are both the scary things in the shadows.  Those are their crosses to bear, not yours.  You wear the flawed white hat. That’s who you are, not your parents. Yes, Fitz yelled at you; that’s his mess, let him deal with it.  You sat there last year and watched as he chose you, right? Now let him fix his own mess and let him be. If you want him, remind him again earn you if he wants you.  Keep your friggin cookie to yourself.  I agree with McSexy, glass houses Olivia, you care too much. Just do your job, nothing else. Listen, do yourself a favor, tonight, just go home, shut the world out, lock the door, chill, listen to some Miles, pour you a nice large glass of wine, and chomp down on some popcorn until it all runs out, then pass out wherever you wind up. After all, darling, tomorrow is another day.

Huck; Charlie and Quinn

Huck, keep your tongue in your mouth, if you don’t Charlie won’t keep his gun in the holster.  Quinn, you better hope the noodles stay unbroken. What am I talking about, you are screwed either way, literally. 

314: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

 Dirty little secrets are a mere myth in Scandaland; they dont exist! It's just open brazenity (yeah I made it up!) Just about everybody knows where all the bodies are buried, but no one knows how to get to them or what to do about them, lest you get added to the pile, just ask James … keep your secrets to yourself Scandalmongers!

RIP James

Wow, Shonda, darn you for making me feel some kind of way last night. OK, let’s take a moment to honor the fabulous, crazy, witty, aggravating mess of a journalist that was James Novak, beloved husband of Cyrus Beane.  A beautiful back story was revealed on how James and Cyrus met, courted, fell in love and became one. Cyrus, your story was beautiful. You were clearly brave and caught off guard by a witty, charming, wisp of a guy who was sometimes the gnat you would swipe away from your face. Your perfect life partner. In you James saw the burly monster in the raw for who you were and  from the get go. Straight up no chaser, he loved you out of the gate. He was your number one guy, ready to go through the thick and thin with you.  Oh Cyrus, he was not to be disrespected; you would always know what was on his mind, until you wouldn’t.  Dearest James, Cyrus’ brains, his genius and political savvy attracted you, but his heart kept you because it was weak for you. Despite everything you would live to know that you were his weakness and would be for the rest of your life, and that would be the downfall of the both of you. In another place, another time, the two of you and your chubby baby Ella would be happy as three pigs in a poke, but that’s not the case is it? You both constantly walked into the bright lights, the pull and the power of the big city and bathed in its sins. You were both good people. You were with the right person. It was the wrong time and circumstance for you to survive. Your reactions put in motions that will haunt you forever. James, you will be missed but you had to know at some point while dying in the streets with your killer looking on, your loving husbands reactions are to blame. Your reactions to his was a major contributing factor. Always the good reporter. Cyrus, for you my heart aches, your gut wrenching cries were so touching and true, I solidly feel for you.

OCP

Girl, you are surrounded by monsters and who do you call? The beast originating Mastadon. C’mon girlie pops has a plan to use you to bring down this POTUS. You called daddy dearest to lend you his shoulder to lean on. Didn’t quite go the way you wanted, did it? On the other hand, you’ve gained insight to the monster that once shared your bed. Yes you are surrounded by those void of humanity; moral fiber; and lack basic common sense. You tell them to go left and right they go. Put your white hat back on honey, clean the smudges off, ask forgiveness for your  own backsliding ways and save the republic.   Spread your salvation to anyone that will listen. Lie to your friends for their own good. You  are the Queen of the Gladiators, keep it right there, get ready to fight the good fight. Your warriors are waiting. You’re still my girl, ok this week!

Parental Units

Momma Mia and Poppa Pope. The best thing you ever did together was make a baby. After that, everything went up in smoke, bombs, sniper attacks, etc. So Poppa you are responsible for the deaths of 183 souls? Wifey has you beat with over 300 in one pop. It was personal. She gets the beast crown this week. Marie Wallace aka Momma Mia you have solid negotiations skills. Whatever you got hooked up into with Adnan Salif, you even have that enemy of the state scared. So am I. As you were!

Mel Oh Dee

(Emphasis on the OHHH) Gurl, you got you some!! Go Mellie, get your freak on! My girl Eileen said you ain’t had none since Clinton was in office, but we know that is not quite true. We all remember the awkward near rape scenes where you took advantage of a drunken POTUS to get knocked up with the phantom baby you call Teddy. Or was that the year before? Digression aside, couldn't you have made it to a bed? You were inches away from the couch! Eager beaver Senator McSexy didn't wait for you to dispute this tete' this time. Getting pile driven on the floor after only having a half a glass of wine is no way for a lady to be treated. Right? How do the two of you look at each other in the morning? You're going to do it again, aren't you???  Do you remotely remember the speech about keeping your knees together to your husband's whore. What does that make you now? Judge not flotus.  

Huckleberry Quinn

I've waited so long for you two to come to Jesus I really don't care right now. Your foreplay was so awkward and uncomfortable to watch.  thank you for acting out this whole Kermit the Frog/Ms Piggy thing out on screen. Everybody knows Froggy is doing  the Piggy but nobody wants to see that!! Quinn, give it up, come home stop denying your birthright as a Gladiator. You are annoying as hell but your talents will be best served at OPA.  Huck gives you what you want (him on a platter)  and you play hard to get. *In my Robin Thicke voice* You know you want it, you know you want it!!  Play Long. Play wrong. Huck, you played yourself. Bad form! you will get the girl in the end. Hang in there.

Will the Real White Hat Stand Up?

David, it must suck to be you. You got smudges on your hat too, right. Knock them off, put on your big boy suit and go on living. Liv is right, fight the good fight, the right fight, the one with a team, not one you can't win. Go along to get along right now, you are not the Lone Ranger; Tonto told you she had your back.  Regroup and come back with a plan.  You can do it.  

Jake

It must suck MORE being you.  You sacrificed never getting the cookie again for protecting the Republic and not many people will care because they will all be after you for revenge.  Liv understands although she doesn't want to who you are and what you are, but I don't think that's going to be enough to maintain your fake relationships. You are interesting yet complex.  Somebody is going to be gunning for you, and soon. No disrespect

313: No Sun on the Horizon

OK, I'm whispering again... not because I'm hoarse this time, I'm scared! I'm hiding, you know, in the booth, in the back, in the corner, in the dark! I'm afraid I'll be found because I can hear these voices in my head and my heart pounding in my ears, and If I can hear them, so can the murderers on Scandal. This will be short and sweet, the voices are now having conversations...Shhhh......!

David, James and the original whistleblowett duo

OK, for one of you there is going to be a funeral of massive proportions, maybe? Before I go all Mahalia Jackson and start singing Precious Lord in memorium, let me extend my reporter skills and ask a couple of questions; you first David. How exactly did you know that there was a "hit" out on you? Did you hear it from the blue collar crime syndicate? As a matter of fact, ever since James brought this information to you, there has been a wait and see attitude exuding from you until you got the tape. Is there is a little smudge of black in your white hat? You are really leading us on aren't you? If you get axed then Abby retreats to her former shabby self and will be left a blithering pile of  I can't even think about it. She will be looking for, but will not quite know how to exact revenge. James. An APOLOGY! Really? All you wanted from your husband was an apology??? You helped this get this party train started when you realized you were being whored out by the monster you share your bed with. Decisions are long lasting and life changing, right? You swiped right, when you should have swiped left darlin. Your realization that all you wanted was an apology was clearly punctuated by seeing Jake with a real-life silencer moving quickly like a knife cutting into the thick of the night. Proficient, efficient, quick. Lights out. Dead. Gone. Dead. (Sorry, that wasn't a question was it?) or.....maybe neither of you is dead. Ouch!!! Wait a minute! Jake switched guns. Somebody else died, he reached in his back pocket and took out a second gun. You heard pop, pop, pause, then pow! Hmm, maybe Jake did us all a favor and popped Creepy Charlie!

Cyrus

I don't know what you are this week, you have changed everything for me. I know darn well the former Command would not "do your damned bidding" and just knock off the Vice President! I do recall a few episodes back when Fitz was talking openly in the Oval about getting rid of B613, all you could do was cower, duck and run to the corners, fearful, screaming, oh please don't ever say that again, as if to distance yourself from his statements. Command commanded you. You didn't have it twisted then, don't now. You were terrified of him. You wouldn't part your lips to ask such of him. It was a desperate enough try, though. I thought you were riveting when you found out James bent over backwards, forwards and sideways for Daniel Douglass at your behest, but oohh emmm geee baby, I felt your pain and a tear even escaped my eyes for you, ok I lied, a half a tear. (in my Shug Avery voice - "you sho is ugly" when make that sympathy face) You, like your husband James set things in motion when looking for dirt on Sally Langston to keep her in check. I'd say she took that banging you gave her life and poked you right back in yours. Now, it's a good chance both of you are widows. You were galant in the end, you fell on your sword for your hubby much too late, "It's all my fault....Do what you want with me; with us..." Too late to be straight!

Sally Langston

Swipe! You compared yourself to Jesus being betrayed by Judas. Brilliant. Swipe! Everybody is the darned devil except you. Swipe! You confessed to your preacher and scared Jesus out of him!! Swipe!! Your Cray-Card is working overtime now isn't it? Your performance this week was riveting. Hysterical, but riveting. Like Bacon much? My goodness girlie, what's next for you? Holy twerking on stage with the ghost of Daniel Douglass singing a Happy duo with Pharrel wearing a hat and corn cob pipe? Word of advice, just don your little red cape honey, run up the road a piece into the woods near Rock Creek Park, sit there and wait. Someone named Wolfie will be along shortly, to ehem, give you a ride! I have to give it to you, you saved yourself when Fitz threw the debate into your lap just as you were about to commit political suicide. You thought it was God talking to you when indeed, that piggy just threw you his tail to chew on, and you took the bait. Yum yum crispy piggy; yum yum!!

Leo

You're still smarmy. As a potential chief of staff for the new administration I see you being a bit more pettey than Cyrus; you don't have the brain power to be ruthless, you just like to pony-prance about and make statements about that string bean in your britches, who cares about your boner!  Take my advice. Marry Sally. She is going to need a handler 24-7. You've nothing better to do. She's probably getting closer to staying in the White House now, so I'm thinking as a power hungry moron this would probably be the next best move for you. I pray your little victory dance will be short lived - but I'm thinking the two of you deserve each other. You get big ups for having a larger than pea sized brain. When Rowan splained to you that you would be fired. You believed him. That's the first thing you've done that made me believe you are human. Maybe Jake shot your ass,  hey, if he did, I'd pack up and run away with him myself!

Something sexy this way came Jake the snake-fake-boyfriend-paper salesman

OK,  you have truly morphed into the Big Dog. Man you are on fiyar and are transforming into something, I don't want to have to look over my shoulders and see coming! Don't get me wrong, you're neither a Mastodon nor a Smithsonian curator-  the former Command would not be doing his own wet work. It looks to me like you actually like wet work! I'm not even going to inquire as to who you killed, but there's this theory brewing that maybe another anonymous B613 was killed to save both James and David who have now soiled their pants in public and under the streetlight. Why did you switch guns? After the silencer, you switched guns and shot with a revolver, why did you do that? You asked Liv to run away with you.  I get it, you really love this chick.  Are you really willing to wait in the shadows until she becomes bored with the most powerful man, ah excuse me, the second most powerful man in the US.  Will you be there in the shadows waiting to whisk her away? Will this power thing just rock your friggin world? You do realize that you are now becoming another thing that goes bump in the night pretty much like her dad, right? Do you know she is going to start to look at you differently? How could you face her if you had to kill one or two people in which she has a personal relationship?  My bad, too many questions.  *Drops the mike* ... I'm walking away... backing away... I need to keep you in front of me..... nice doggy....

OCP

MUR DER RERS are not laughing matters, yet you insist on surrounding yourself with them.  If just about everyone in your life is a killer, you are certainly in the wrong business, there's nothing to fix here, go straight to the body bags. Unlike the air Mellie breathes, yours must be stifling, and all the time. I see why you take in the here and the now and make it work for you in that moment because one of your loved ones are always running amock!  Hell, I want you to go somewhere and make jam, because you are really not dealing with the stress very well. You should have run away with Jake, now there will be hell to pay.  By the way, heard from Momma lately???