315: Momma Said Knock You Out

Pope Obsessed; Man on Fire; Las Lonely Boy

Jake, the mistake. You’ve got Momma Mya in your cross hairs; you’ve now threatened OC and Poppa Pope so I’m sure we have to look forward to some dysfunctional Pope family moments initiated by you.  You’re a man alone, Rowan could not have said it any better, you are A LONE. Did your power trip wear off and you realize you didn’t pack your bag properly? In addition to that, instead of taking down the Momma Mya and the terrorists  who intend to do something wickedly viscious to the Presidential motorcade, you let their plans fly, just to see what they are going to do next.  You my man are a twick, fisted suck. I mean that with the highest degree of sincerity. Way to protect the republic. Command doesn’t look half as good on you as it did on Poppa Pope. Sorry.

Mean Cyrus Beene

Seriously, a vase? You’re going to attack a cold blooded killer with a vase? How did you find out anyway? Who told you? In your grief and looking for answers to why James died, all you really need to do is look at the man in the mirror. (I’m asking him to change his ways…)  Honestly I can’t understand how you can reconcile your guilty blame and hurl accusations even if they are true.  How can you look into that chunky baby’s eyes and not swallow a heaping of self-loathing?  How can you live with yourself? Like I said before you put a lot of this into motion, you are an above and beyond exemplary employee, but you were an abysmal husband. Abandoned twice, once by the divorce choice and once by death force; don’t you think it’s time to reconsider your priorities?  I’m wondering which Cyrus Beene we will see in the next episode? Will we see the employee who is faithful to his country and understands the way things have to be? Will we see baby Ella’s daddy? Will we see James mourning widower? Just do me a favor Cy and stay away from anything resembling B613 and your days will be longer and happier.  

Angels Up; Gladiator down

Harrison - I read on a Tumblr blog post last week that every time you have lines in Scandal an angel gets his or her wings. Well, Gabriel done got his trumpet and blew; a legion of angels has been born!  Can the church say Amen? Ehem - seriously dude, the more I teach you, the dumber I get! You give new meaning to sleeping with the enemy. Duh! NOT!!! A couple of rolls on the floor with Adnan, or the desk, or the couch in your office and your little head is now ruling the big one?   (Sidebar: Does anyone use beds in ShondaLand? The set must smell like nastiness magnified - dassbootay! I digress...)  Ok, you let the viper in the playpen and she bit your ass.  Trick drops her drawers and you’re “all in!” Whaaaat??? What hurts worse now? The fact that you knew she was going to strike or your incredible asinine trust in the power of your pecker you thought would calm her down?  Newsflash Glad in a suit!! You are pretty, you do pretty talk fast, but your game has now played you, your fellow GIAS’ and old what’s his name down the street on Pennsylvania Avenue, remember him? You know?  The President?   Let’s hope SOMEONE in Gladiator Central had the presence of mind to put controls in place to detect such a Viper. I’m afraid all hell is going to break out if that isn’t the case.  Dude; don’t even look at me, go on - gag yourself and go somewhere and sit your ass down. As a matter of fact, take two seats!

 Melody! OMG! Smells like Dassbooty!

Mellie, you’re back to being messy again. You people just don’t learn do you? The first rule in whoring while being a mother is not to get caught by your teen daughter while on your knees while pleasing Uncle Senator McSexy! (Damn, they call him Uncle?) Your daughter is going to need a little more than therapy after this.  Right now, stop what you are doing, go find OCPope and apologize to her.  It seems to me you had a speech that referenced keeping knees together? Well, honey, looks like you should have taken your own words to heart and stayed off yours. I guess from now on you will be watching what goes into, er I mean comes out of that filthy little mouth of yours. Good thing you changed into the blue dress AFTER wards, we wouldn’t want to have history repeat itself now would we?

You’re still a Fitzaster 

Fitz. Fitz. Fitz. OK POTUS, you got it out of your system, you finally told her how you felt, she broke you.  “You broke us.”  You wouldn’t let me touch you.  You had that motor running on over time, now didn’t you? You just don’t know when to shut the heck up.  You’re an idiot. It was obvious your WIFE was trying to tell you something, but you have all the answers now, don’t you? Yelling at Liv, oh yeah that was priceless, your ass is lucky she didn’t morph into the beloved Oprah character, slug you, drop the mike and walk away. So now, you have to figure out where you going to get some, your wife is giving away your cookie to the McSexy Veep, and your Side Piece is auditioning for the sequel to the Help. Oh, btw; I will be glued to the screen when we find out that your son, your Father’s namesake is actually your brother. 

The Family that Preys

Momma Mya; you are perfect in your deceptions, you are Queenly majestic yet will strike quick like a panther. You got to your baby girl in a way that no one could, but I hope she sees that you showed her your hand, but you had to make your ruse convincing now, didn’t you.  You didn’t have to make your baby girl cry. You are one mean momma, Momma.

Poppa Pope; I have to ask the question, are you responding to your baby girl’s requests out of a blood bond, or the potential shedding of yours? Mortality seems to smack you dead in the face when you know death could be on your door at any minute.  Bravo for you standing up and telling Jake the snake to piss off in pure Rowan style, I’m afraid you are going to have to mend that fence with your baby girl and seek her guidance to fix a couple of things for you. What do you think?

Olivia; your Pope strut looks more like a duck walk, but you’re still the boss! Never forget -  you is kind; you is smart; you is important, but you is not the help.  You have a family of misfits calling themselves Gladiators that depend on you.  They jump into action to do what it takes to help you fix things. Everyone comes to you with their messes to clean up, because you’re that girl, and you are damned good at it. You are not what your mom says you are. Chile you’re getting paid, and what’s more you’re at the top of the balance when it comes to wielding power in your town. I admit you do have some serious family issues to overcome, hey, you could have had your husband killed, slept with your father in law or even find out that your son is your brother.  In comparison, you have nooo issues.  Your mom is just an international terrorist and your dad was a government sanctioned domestic terrorist. They are both the scary things in the shadows.  Those are their crosses to bear, not yours.  You wear the flawed white hat. That’s who you are, not your parents. Yes, Fitz yelled at you; that’s his mess, let him deal with it.  You sat there last year and watched as he chose you, right? Now let him fix his own mess and let him be. If you want him, remind him again earn you if he wants you.  Keep your friggin cookie to yourself.  I agree with McSexy, glass houses Olivia, you care too much. Just do your job, nothing else. Listen, do yourself a favor, tonight, just go home, shut the world out, lock the door, chill, listen to some Miles, pour you a nice large glass of wine, and chomp down on some popcorn until it all runs out, then pass out wherever you wind up. After all, darling, tomorrow is another day.

Huck; Charlie and Quinn

Huck, keep your tongue in your mouth, if you don’t Charlie won’t keep his gun in the holster.  Quinn, you better hope the noodles stay unbroken. What am I talking about, you are screwed either way, literally.