Momma Pope
How can you hurt your baby daddy like that? Favor me a detour; I know many folks in all areas of the Capital City would want to do some type harm to their ex or child's pappy, but mortal wounding is not the answer. One, I ask again, how do you so deftly know where all the players are? Momma badass, how do you gain unilateral, universal, damn near omniscient access to everyone; everywhere??? Honestly! Many a DC office building has either lobby security or key card access. Momma no good, who is working with you? Did Adnan leave a little bug behind? Woman, for a stone cold killer, you either are pretty sloppy, you have compassion running through your veins or you are just plain losing your touch. It’s clear to this couch observer that you didn’t want Poppa dead. You know how to do dead, that is your specialty, and you are really good doing dead! Instead, you leave him clinging to life. Did you do that so he could at least say goodbye to your "baby?" You know, I could never walk into the cavern that is your brain because I’m afraid I wouldn’t get out alive. No one I know would be brave enough to come in to save me. Not a trip I want to take anyways. For now, I'll leave you to your devices only after you share with me the name of the unfortunate fool that is helping you. I’d like to invite them to consume a heaping double dose of whoop ass, served by yours truly. Yeah girl, I got skills, oh, you didn’t know? You’d better ask somebody. I'm still watching you, your Psychotic-ness!
Poppa Pope
I've run the gamut of emotions with
you. It's been a wild ride. I've feared you, loathed you, and respected you,
now I'm actually pulling for you. Yes, I'm even praying for you. I am not ready
for you to be gone, your monologues are priceless, you are a true champion, die
hard warrior, but I think you've may have done your job. You have defended the
B613 dog you love; she will not be repatriated with you at the helm. You've
even shown your love to your darling daughter. I don't recall you ever telling
her you love her. Not that kind of guy huh? I think you will have a nice
parting shot for her, share something soul stirring, like she has a sibling or
something. Spare the child so she has someone left in this world to relate to,
some real memories, better yet, just stick around and be her dad. I have an
idea! Maybe Olivia can disappear you so you can heal on your own terms while
she handles Mommy dearest. Her head must be about to explode after learning and
dealing with such whacked parental units. It's a wonder she hasn’t started
hanging at the crack bar down the street next to Wonderland. I recommend you
give her a good tip on a rehab facility. Just don't send her to mine!
Olivia
Darling.... A word to the wise?
Change your address and quickly. I realize office space is at a premium in your
quadrant of the city, but I suggest you acquire new office or call in an
exorcist. People have irrevocably soiled your floor, the couches, desks, with
sweaty sex, dirty death, and has played host to not one but two elite killer
squad reunions! Too many filthy secrets. Forget the cleaner, just move. That
place will always stink of such even if you have it thoroughly cleaned. There
will always be too many demons running through the halls. That's not the least
of your worries, a bomb is about to go off and blow up some important folks;
your mother is responsible for the bomb and is out there somewhere and oh yeah,
she attempted to kill your dad; Harrison's life is on the line; you know
Mellie's deepest darkest secret; Freaky Quinn aka Baby Huck is back in the
fold; Jake is tugging away at your heart, like you tugged at his zipper; Fitz
is acting like a jealous cad, and alas I fear Huck is about to hit you with
some more crazy ass news that takes him over a friggin cliff. Again.
Resurrect the Gladiators girl, the battle is only beginning! This battle is not
yours, so I suggest you have the proper backup! Handle it!
Harrison
The more I believe in you the more I
find I’m just wasting my time. First of all, you find time to make light of the
fact that you are surrounded by trained killers and the trainer at OPA. The
genius that exists in your brain makes a decision to try to crack a joke with
Poppa Assassination when you should have been shaking in your silk boxers! (
er, they are silk aren't they?) Anyway, after sharing an authentic bonding
moment with Poppa, you proceed to destinations known to only you, and possibly
Poppy. He's on a gurney en route to an operating room somewhere, and the
cavalry doesn’t even know you are in trouble. Again, you walk smack into a
trap. I give you the authority to overpower her, take her gun and spank that
stanky skank! Tricky Chick got you slam in a fix. Hey "It aint no fun when
the rabbit's got the gun” wouldn’t you agree? I'm not feeling you right now, so
I'm going to have to insist you sit down. I'm not sure you are gonna be around
to yell at next season.
Mellie
Your snarky, sexy, musky-toned jewel
of a range in voice and attitude has me wanting to light up a cigarette to
accompany whatever the hell is in that mug from which you've been drinking!
You're so broken, exposed and vulnerable, your world should be your oyster, but
it’s your onion, and the layers are falling apart! There was a reason maybe big
Gerry's name was bandied about; a reason you requested a paternity test. At the
end of last season, we had a reluctant Fitz return to you, but that was fake.
This year, both of you have taken steps to go beyond breaking to shattering
what's left of your relationship, and this is real. Something's gotta give. I’d
say It's a little safer to peer into your brain….. honeeey what must you be
thinking? Your husband's side piece may turn out to be your biggest advocate,
cheerleader and confidante. You are in love with a man you can’t have because
your hubby now manages two members, neither of which are pointing in your
direction any time soon. Your husband's father may be the father of your
husband’s brother or even worse your husband may be the father of his own
child, imagine that? With any scenario there is bound to be some major drama.
I'm thinking Andrew survives the bombing, comes to an epiphany that life is too
short as a result and reveals your secret to Fitz so he can help you heal. Side
note hunny bunny; the only secrets in ScandaLand are the open ones. I feel for
you; I think I love you -- sike. Seriously Mel - this is an easy fix, seek
Jesus!
Fitzgerald
Yes someone wants you dead stupid,
you're the POTUS. Duh!! Whoever prepared you to run for office should have told
you that as soon as you step out with whatever platform you run on, there are
people with the exact opposite position to yours. Some of these people are
willing to risk life and limb, are considered extremists and oh, yeah, they may
even want you dead. Dude, whatever it is that you smoke on a daily basis, tote
tote pass, (sharing is caring) then maybe I can tolerate your egocentrism. It's
your world, right? Make your haters your appreciators, or get blown to bits
trying. Whoa! You feel that? It's a chill wind, the same one that's going to
bring you strange news and the one that's going to whisk OCP away from you. The
last I checked, it was about twenty something degrees in Vermont, I'm just
saying!
Jake
Well big dog, you is free now. What
will you do with all that time? Stalk the Popes? The White House owns your
beautiful chiseled ass again I suspect. One question, how can the President put
his trust in you to watch his back knowing you are putting your dipstick in his
honeypot? Inquiring minds really want to know.
Cyrus
You know you won’t get away with
this, don’t you? You have information a bomb is going to potentially kill
hundreds and you do nothng? Don't you realize that Jake the snake will snitch
on a bish? You have certainly evolved this season, from the villain, to a victim,
you've been vilified and have reverted to a vile, vengeful, venomous,
vindictive sliver of a human being who profoundly vitiated the beauty of your
relationship with James. He would be proud. NOT! Sure I'm evoking the memory of
your dead husband to check you boo, somebody needs to. Go hang out with your
girl Mellie, sit beside her on the pew, you need Jesus too. And mucho prayer!
Charlie Quinn yesterday, Huckleberry Quinn today
Well Ms. Perky Little Perkins, Cyrus isn’t the only one who has evolved in
SLand. You were a meek yet waif of a being, scared of your own shadow, bereft
of your personal memories when, all of a sudden you had a family at OPA. You
were a Gladiator, in a suit no less. You said it, you believed it. You then
fell from grace and hung out with the devil himself, knowing it would piss off
someone truly special. You were always looking over your shoulder because you
were still someone else's unfinished business. You're all grown up now, you
found yourself and that killer chick inside of you, but you still need the
approval of that certain someone truly special. So what do you do? You get in
touch with the freak inside you and she takes over. As a result you can't
control your inner truth! You get all hot and bothered; you never watch your
back while you were doing the buck a Huck dance giving up your cookie snatch in
a public parking garage. Momma walked right up past you entangled monkeys into
OPA and tapped Poppy's ass. Lucy, y'all gon have some splainin to do! Hell,
when Charlie finds out you're not so special after all, you're really gonna be
screwed! I hope those three grunts of ecstasy were worth it! I see a 60 second
sex tape in your future.
I have to mention Debbie Allen produced this episode. It was artsy; jumpy; crazy; felt a little loopy; it was still delightfully delicious to watch but it left way too circles broken. Like, how did Jake’s hand leave Liv’s neck? How did the President just “show up” at OPA after B613 went dark, and how all of a sudden did Fitz and Cyrus agree that Poppa Pope was “the man?”. There were other disconnects, and I’m sure they will be answered next season. When the smoke clears from the bomb there will surely be multiple funerals. Somehow I think the survivors include Leo and Senator McSexy, they seem to make things interesting. It may be premature, but let’s join in and have a moment of silence for Sally the baconator. Amen, and amen!
Something sexy this way came Jake the snake-fake-boyfriend-paper salesman
