SNAPPLED, CRACKED, BALLS, BOOBS, AND POPSICLES!!!
Happy Friday! I have to remind myself that there are only seven weeks left until the finale - which means the mouths will be moving faster than the words will come out, the writers will twist us into a massive frenzy on a weekly basis and leave us walking around in a drunken stupor at the end. I already have my reservation in Scandal rehab, what say you Scandalmongers??? Happy Weekend!
Stabbing Sally!
You’ve stabbed the Fitz in the back, split the ticket, and you now want his job. I know. The devil made you do it, right? He jumped into your body and took over and just did it. Well Ms. Sally, I’m supposing the devil is also the sponsor of those ginormous balls you have grown also. Oh wait! Did you take them from your dearly departed hubby after you knifed him in the back? My hope for you is Daniels Douglass’ ghost and the demons of hell torture you into madness. My bad, you’re already there, totally unhinged, a blithering idiot. As if your episodic demonic possession wasn’t enough; you are in league with Leo; a more smarmy version of Cyrus the monster. My skin is crawling!! Ugh!!! Let me get this right, you kill your husband you’re a homophobe yet you’re not afraid the fact that you killed your husband be exposed yet you were blackmailed by Grant that it would “get out” your darling daughter had an abortion? You need to be on your knees praising God honey bunny, until then your bible thumping card will be revoked. Your Cray card is in the mail. You don’t need a campaign manager. What you need to wake up in the kitchen and wonder how did this ish happen….oh baby. On the other hand, being a murderer is a presidential trait. Drink watermelon, heifer. #SNAPPLED
Poppa Pope
You fall from Command now to return to how we met you: MOB (man on bench). Dude; I have no words for you; you are a walking; talking breathing angry grenade. You spew fire from every oracle; your words shoot from your mouth like hollow points and I believe everything you say. Hell yes, I’m ducking!! Your daughter has an out of body experience and reaches out for a touching moment which she has very few of with you and you just flatten her ass. So you meet with Mr. Smarmy in your personal crusade to bring down the man that knows how your daughter tastes. Remind me not to kidnap you and strip you down to your t-shirt britches and socks!! #CRACKED #MSCURRED!
Senator McSexy
Andrew Nichols. You have been chosen as the next running mate to Fitz. You answer the call when you are call, yet your balls are all in a tether for Mellie, OMG!!! Makes me wonder sooo many things; like where you were when the controversial son of Fitz was fathered; yes Fitz did a lot for you and you owe him, but looks like Mellie did a little sum thin sum thin for you too huh? Right now, you’re new, you’re fresh, and I’m feeling you! #TEAMMELLIE #THEONETHATGOTAWAY
James
Chile please! All things did go south after that Daniel Douglass incident, now didn’t’ it? You got the cushy White House gubment job didn’t you? You are going to make Cyrus finish what he started last season; you’re just going to wake up dead. He still has Psycho Charlie on speed dial, but ah, you never knew how close you came to knocking on death’s door. You are right. You are Cyrus’ weakness. Cyrus is a survivor and I don’t think you’re grown enough to take him. This is not your game honey; being scorned and screwed over does not give you a ticket to the big dance. So you pretend to go to the dark side and are have now decided to work with David to bring down that monster of a husband of yours? You knew exactly who Cyrus was and what he was capable of when you married him. You see, In order for you to be successful in what you’re about to get into, you are going to have to put your grown up drawers on, and honey, right now, all I see are speedos! Someone is going to get hurt. You’re going to need more than a first aid kit. #SNITCHPLEASE!
Cyrus
You just have too many balls in the air and you need to pay attention and stop talking. It’s cute the way Leo is downright chumping you! I thought no one could back your ass out of a driveway, but here you are run over, naked and bleeding in the middle of the street! Enough already!! Patch your bloody ass up and get back in the game, you are Cyrus the Bean man! Where’s my ruthless monster??? #BALLS
Mellie
You give dating advice to your husband’s side piece for the greater good and the oval; and you do it with such duplicitous catty candor, I just can’t stand it. It’s so YOU! Black; white; short; tall; just pick one and get busy. Hush now, some skeletons in your closet are about to rise up and poke you, FLOTUS! By the way, if I say so, you’re looking particularly fetching? #SACRIFICE
Jake
Big dog; good dog. #PATRIOT
Harrison
Adnan is a friggin chick??? Really??? I love you man, but something about you being scared of a chick, then taking your clothes off to do that same chick, after 3 years of us waiting was a little bit anticlimactic. Sigh, put your suit back on, close the windows, and turn the heat up. I got a chill! #POPSICLES
Liv
(BTW Kerry is absolutely glowing and I love the full face and pregnancy shields… I digress!) Yes, Vermont is a long ways off; wait, I can’t believe I actually heard you say that!!! The more I teach you, the dumber I get! AFTER, daddy dearest told you that you ARE the weapon of choice to end Fitz’s Presidency. What part did you not understand? He won’t see the end of his term. Your daddy is gon get your man girl, I would heed his warning and run. Remember the hell and the high water? It’s about to get real, now what YOU don’t know is your DADDY has tapes of you and the Fitzaster doing the nasty in your crib. Even before Fitz told him he knew how you tasted, Daddy saw it. Wrangle that. I don’t see a fix to this. Unlike Peyton Manning’s loss in the Superbowl, this story line will be the talk of the offseason. #REHAB
Fitz!!!
You just make me sick! How can you make so many emoticons pop into my head simultaneously??? Your passion for Livvie is incredible I love it; but it’s wrong. Your chemistry is steamy, I love it but it’s wrong. You are sexy magnified; I love you; but it’s wrong so I hate you!! I’m sure while you were locking lips with your side slice, some country north of the Ukraine got mistakenly bombed. Your balls are going to get a real jostle in the next few weeks, and I will be there right at ringside to watch. You give new meaning to Living La Vida Loca. #HATEWINKS!
Charliequinn
Pete and Repeat. Right now the two of you remind me of looney villains in a Batman cartoon. Hold on, your story is going to pop. Charlie loves you, but you have nowhere to go. You are just using that to keep that bird to keep her under your wing so she won’t fly. It’s going to backfire man!!! She is using this thing with you as STD (Something to do) while she figures out how to retrieve her Gladiator hat. She is actually in love with Huck. Huck, unfortunately wants to drink whisky every time he sees her. I’m privately hoping for him to have a sober moment but I’m afraid he will fall off the wagon, and soon. #BOOBS
No Momma Pope yet
Look MommaMia, I know you are hiding in the shadows. You are going to protect your little girl now, aren’t you? Whatever is anti-Poppa, that’s how you are going to roll! See you soon! #MISSINGYOU!
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