Either I’m getting old or my quick talk decoder wasn’t working very well during the latest installment of Scandal. (Note to self, get batteries for that!) Pardon me as I slow things down a skosh and maybe find a translation or two along the way. Forgive me in advance for going a little overboard! Have a great weekend Scandalmongers!
The Melody train is about to pull out of the station!
Mellie Mel, girl it’s all about you. I do admit you have some nasty little skeletons in your closet, but I must say, you asked your hubby the wrong series of questions, yet in doing so; you gave him and the rest of the world answers we weren’t quite expecting to hear. I am not going to address your obvious reading of Liv in reference and comparison to your relationship to Senator McSexy, other than to say you were on point, but only to a degree, and that’s on you.
“What does that feel like…? To be so hot for someone so turned on by them that you would put everything you worked for at risk…? Does it feel good? Is it an amazing high…? Or is it so intense that it actually burns like a fire in your belly?”
There was so much honesty in your question, such clear and presence, such innocence; the windows in your eyes were wide open to your scorched soul. Did you realize you just told your husband you never really had the “hots” for him? You described it as a fire in your belly; girlfriend your MapQuest is off. Right neighborhood, wrong street, the fire ain’t in your belly. You’ve been neglecting your inner freak for the good of breathing the air that’s rare. (FLOTUS) OK I get it, you just want that let loose kind of love; that monkey thumpin; that hair pullin; that wall climbin…. scream your lungs out kinda love, right? Sorry Mel, I don’t see that in your future; while you are calculating, you don’t take calculated risks. You have fear of consequences, most of the time. You’re not the caution to the wind kind of girl. If that were the case, you would have kissed Senator McSexy darn near 20 years ago. He already knew one of your darkest secrets. While you have love for your hubby, you’re faithful, I get it but let’s face it, your marriage was arranged by your daddy; your daddy in law may be your baby daddy, and your other baby daddy doesn’t know his baby may be his daddy baby. I digress, listen, I don’t normally condone this sort of thing, but you need to get your pipes cleaned, McSexy couldn’t be a better candidate. I need to tell you this though WTW; he’s been waiting over 15 years; don’t expect to walk right the next day. I’m just sayin… #KISSINISCHEATING
Livvie and the three stooges Jake, Fitz and Poppa Pope
Honey, you realize you are literally sleeping with and fake dating your dad, right? These three men in your life must have been pissed from the arrogance cesspool. From Fitz’s idiotic idioms in the ‘fox in my henhouse’ tantrum; to Rowan breathing fire in your direction at dinner accusing you of manipulation not concern; to Jake demanding you stock the fridge demeaning popcorn, showering and have fake sex at the end of the day. (BTW – popcorn is indeed food buddy, and wine is a STAPLE). OK, your discretions are indiscreet. You don’t answer scandalous rumors of sleeping with the President with sleeping with the President, and looks like on the regular! You block off an entire floor of a hotel with a small army of secret service agents, coupled by the HEAD of the most top secret agency in the Republic. You two of you are fighting like an old married couple, you’re not making jam in Vermont!!!! You must feel really special to have the leadership of the Republic doing you and guarding you while the rest of the world runs Hucking muck. Somewhere in the City Liv your name is a door, go through it, and get your gladiators in check. I have a feeling you’re going to be too busy for a Presidential booty call in the coming weeks. With Poppa Pope and Momma Mya running around the district wreaking havoc, you are going to need all hands on deck with an e. You know what I’m talking about! #UGOTAJOB!
Andrew and Mellie
Senator McSexy. , You had me at Bromance… almost… did you really use that term in reference to Fitz? You are trying to knock down his wife, right? You’ve got my attention. I have my eyes on you. You are handsome, gallant, romantic – but you are not all nice guy ish. Something sneaky this way comes! With Jackie O, Betty Ford and other first ladies watching you flirt shamelessly with the current FLOTUS. I’m thinking you lit a fire in her briar patch, because the kiss she laid on you….. Honeyyyy!!! I think she’s on her way to getting her own questions answered. #GETHERDONE!
Abby and David
I love you too! Let me tell you something David, you’ve got yourself a ride-or-die chick right there! Appreciate it, tell her you love her, and don’t miss an opportunity, life as you know it is way too short. Go make little red haired bunnies that favor Harry Potter or something. You keep fooling around with James and you’re going to end up in a trunk for real! You didn’t learn your lesson when you lost everything over the Defiance scandal was near homeless and sleeping on someone else’s couch? Now you’re involved in a murder investigation in the White House. You can’t win Rocky! How many kidnappers are going to let you keep your phone when they abduct you? Where is your security anyways? Good call on the abduction Reds, I’m sure it will make for some good bunny cuddling later. Tell him you love him now and see what he says! #BUNNYTYME #RIDEORDIE
Quinn and Huck
Huck, that pitiful look and that cup of coffee you recycled and kept bringing to Liv as a peace offering was priceless, so was the monster speech to Liv, which doubled as a confession of love for Quinn.
“You ruined her life and then you made me save her and then you gave her to me to take under my wing. … Monsters eat people Liv, that’s what we do…”
Olivia kind of did give you someone to love and you so much with Quinn she wanted to be just like you. What a perfect pair, she couldn’t be another Livvie, or Abby or even Harrison, but baby Huck, yeah; she’s the best part of you. You tortured her, I bet you still have the teeth you pulled out of her head, didn’t you? Ok, you thought about it, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to drink whiskey, but you have to know Quinn feels the same for you. She uses you as the reason she won’t return “home.” So make up tell her you’re sorry and make her believe it and you will have your little bee buzzing around your life again. Quinn, drop that looser and go back to the boozer; so you and Huck can drink Whiskey together. Your life in B613 will be short lived; you left home without getting all of your instruction, so go back. No matter which direction you decide to travel in, let it be known that OCP will still direct your path. #MONSTERSDOEATPEOPLE
Cyrus and James
Cyrus did you get a new stylist? For once you looked together, and your hair? Every strand in place, it must be that post-heart attack diet you’re on, right? Now that you know about your darling hubby is at it again, this time his at it is pointed right at you with malice! Whatchu gon do when they come for you bad boy? James, I like it better when you were bitching about having a chunky baby. By the way, where is baby Vaseline or whatever her name is while you try to save the world? I hope you know by now Cyrus has figured you out and will put a kibosh on this investigation. He has figured out that you are Publius. You might want to take a quick vacay or leave the country because he is gonna be coming for you bay bay! Take the baby with you! #ELLA
Sally, Leo and Hollis
Sally. You’re crazy as a loon. I told you what I hoped for you last week; it’s starting to come true. Maybe next week, he will get up off the floor and speak to you. After all, dead men tell no tales, they are too busy telling the truth, oh yeah, and haunting your ass! Leo you are still smarmy, you are running game with Hollis, call Quinn and ask her how that worked out for her. You will find yourself in the bowels of hell messing with this due, trust me, he is evil. The devil is deep in tails and he’s back, Hollis, I knew it was a matter of time before you re-appeared. You are the only other one who was ass-deep in Defiance that isn’t dead. What kind of train wreck have you prepared for us? #LOONEYTUNES
Harrison - Momma Mya and Adnan Salif
This unlikely threesome is so perfect that it’s scary. There are so many possibilities. Adnan and Harrison, the two of you remind me of a cheap version of the Nick and Mariah non reality show, with Harrison as the Diva which causes me to throw up in my mouth a little. Salif, you slick little trick, you sneaky little terrorist you, what do you have on my future ex-husband Harrison to make him jump like a kangaroo? Harrison, why are you all wimpy around sick-chick, what’s up with that? Momma Mya what do you have to do with them, and which one of these is your other child? I’m sure OCP would love to hear she has a sister-terrorist, or a brother-gladiator. I know you got a kid on the side say you got another I know you got a kid on the side! With all due respect Momma Mya, I know you have a brilliant plan in place even though you’ve been out of 20 year custody like for five minutes. I’m still scared of you. #BITEYOURSELF
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