314: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

 Dirty little secrets are a mere myth in Scandaland; they dont exist! It's just open brazenity (yeah I made it up!) Just about everybody knows where all the bodies are buried, but no one knows how to get to them or what to do about them, lest you get added to the pile, just ask James … keep your secrets to yourself Scandalmongers!

RIP James

Wow, Shonda, darn you for making me feel some kind of way last night. OK, let’s take a moment to honor the fabulous, crazy, witty, aggravating mess of a journalist that was James Novak, beloved husband of Cyrus Beane.  A beautiful back story was revealed on how James and Cyrus met, courted, fell in love and became one. Cyrus, your story was beautiful. You were clearly brave and caught off guard by a witty, charming, wisp of a guy who was sometimes the gnat you would swipe away from your face. Your perfect life partner. In you James saw the burly monster in the raw for who you were and  from the get go. Straight up no chaser, he loved you out of the gate. He was your number one guy, ready to go through the thick and thin with you.  Oh Cyrus, he was not to be disrespected; you would always know what was on his mind, until you wouldn’t.  Dearest James, Cyrus’ brains, his genius and political savvy attracted you, but his heart kept you because it was weak for you. Despite everything you would live to know that you were his weakness and would be for the rest of your life, and that would be the downfall of the both of you. In another place, another time, the two of you and your chubby baby Ella would be happy as three pigs in a poke, but that’s not the case is it? You both constantly walked into the bright lights, the pull and the power of the big city and bathed in its sins. You were both good people. You were with the right person. It was the wrong time and circumstance for you to survive. Your reactions put in motions that will haunt you forever. James, you will be missed but you had to know at some point while dying in the streets with your killer looking on, your loving husbands reactions are to blame. Your reactions to his was a major contributing factor. Always the good reporter. Cyrus, for you my heart aches, your gut wrenching cries were so touching and true, I solidly feel for you.

OCP

Girl, you are surrounded by monsters and who do you call? The beast originating Mastadon. C’mon girlie pops has a plan to use you to bring down this POTUS. You called daddy dearest to lend you his shoulder to lean on. Didn’t quite go the way you wanted, did it? On the other hand, you’ve gained insight to the monster that once shared your bed. Yes you are surrounded by those void of humanity; moral fiber; and lack basic common sense. You tell them to go left and right they go. Put your white hat back on honey, clean the smudges off, ask forgiveness for your  own backsliding ways and save the republic.   Spread your salvation to anyone that will listen. Lie to your friends for their own good. You  are the Queen of the Gladiators, keep it right there, get ready to fight the good fight. Your warriors are waiting. You’re still my girl, ok this week!

Parental Units

Momma Mia and Poppa Pope. The best thing you ever did together was make a baby. After that, everything went up in smoke, bombs, sniper attacks, etc. So Poppa you are responsible for the deaths of 183 souls? Wifey has you beat with over 300 in one pop. It was personal. She gets the beast crown this week. Marie Wallace aka Momma Mia you have solid negotiations skills. Whatever you got hooked up into with Adnan Salif, you even have that enemy of the state scared. So am I. As you were!

Mel Oh Dee

(Emphasis on the OHHH) Gurl, you got you some!! Go Mellie, get your freak on! My girl Eileen said you ain’t had none since Clinton was in office, but we know that is not quite true. We all remember the awkward near rape scenes where you took advantage of a drunken POTUS to get knocked up with the phantom baby you call Teddy. Or was that the year before? Digression aside, couldn't you have made it to a bed? You were inches away from the couch! Eager beaver Senator McSexy didn't wait for you to dispute this tete' this time. Getting pile driven on the floor after only having a half a glass of wine is no way for a lady to be treated. Right? How do the two of you look at each other in the morning? You're going to do it again, aren't you???  Do you remotely remember the speech about keeping your knees together to your husband's whore. What does that make you now? Judge not flotus.  

Huckleberry Quinn

I've waited so long for you two to come to Jesus I really don't care right now. Your foreplay was so awkward and uncomfortable to watch.  thank you for acting out this whole Kermit the Frog/Ms Piggy thing out on screen. Everybody knows Froggy is doing  the Piggy but nobody wants to see that!! Quinn, give it up, come home stop denying your birthright as a Gladiator. You are annoying as hell but your talents will be best served at OPA.  Huck gives you what you want (him on a platter)  and you play hard to get. *In my Robin Thicke voice* You know you want it, you know you want it!!  Play Long. Play wrong. Huck, you played yourself. Bad form! you will get the girl in the end. Hang in there.

Will the Real White Hat Stand Up?

David, it must suck to be you. You got smudges on your hat too, right. Knock them off, put on your big boy suit and go on living. Liv is right, fight the good fight, the right fight, the one with a team, not one you can't win. Go along to get along right now, you are not the Lone Ranger; Tonto told you she had your back.  Regroup and come back with a plan.  You can do it.  

Jake

It must suck MORE being you.  You sacrificed never getting the cookie again for protecting the Republic and not many people will care because they will all be after you for revenge.  Liv understands although she doesn't want to who you are and what you are, but I don't think that's going to be enough to maintain your fake relationships. You are interesting yet complex.  Somebody is going to be gunning for you, and soon. No disrespect

313: No Sun on the Horizon

OK, I'm whispering again... not because I'm hoarse this time, I'm scared! I'm hiding, you know, in the booth, in the back, in the corner, in the dark! I'm afraid I'll be found because I can hear these voices in my head and my heart pounding in my ears, and If I can hear them, so can the murderers on Scandal. This will be short and sweet, the voices are now having conversations...Shhhh......!

David, James and the original whistleblowett duo

OK, for one of you there is going to be a funeral of massive proportions, maybe? Before I go all Mahalia Jackson and start singing Precious Lord in memorium, let me extend my reporter skills and ask a couple of questions; you first David. How exactly did you know that there was a "hit" out on you? Did you hear it from the blue collar crime syndicate? As a matter of fact, ever since James brought this information to you, there has been a wait and see attitude exuding from you until you got the tape. Is there is a little smudge of black in your white hat? You are really leading us on aren't you? If you get axed then Abby retreats to her former shabby self and will be left a blithering pile of  I can't even think about it. She will be looking for, but will not quite know how to exact revenge. James. An APOLOGY! Really? All you wanted from your husband was an apology??? You helped this get this party train started when you realized you were being whored out by the monster you share your bed with. Decisions are long lasting and life changing, right? You swiped right, when you should have swiped left darlin. Your realization that all you wanted was an apology was clearly punctuated by seeing Jake with a real-life silencer moving quickly like a knife cutting into the thick of the night. Proficient, efficient, quick. Lights out. Dead. Gone. Dead. (Sorry, that wasn't a question was it?) or.....maybe neither of you is dead. Ouch!!! Wait a minute! Jake switched guns. Somebody else died, he reached in his back pocket and took out a second gun. You heard pop, pop, pause, then pow! Hmm, maybe Jake did us all a favor and popped Creepy Charlie!

Cyrus

I don't know what you are this week, you have changed everything for me. I know darn well the former Command would not "do your damned bidding" and just knock off the Vice President! I do recall a few episodes back when Fitz was talking openly in the Oval about getting rid of B613, all you could do was cower, duck and run to the corners, fearful, screaming, oh please don't ever say that again, as if to distance yourself from his statements. Command commanded you. You didn't have it twisted then, don't now. You were terrified of him. You wouldn't part your lips to ask such of him. It was a desperate enough try, though. I thought you were riveting when you found out James bent over backwards, forwards and sideways for Daniel Douglass at your behest, but oohh emmm geee baby, I felt your pain and a tear even escaped my eyes for you, ok I lied, a half a tear. (in my Shug Avery voice - "you sho is ugly" when make that sympathy face) You, like your husband James set things in motion when looking for dirt on Sally Langston to keep her in check. I'd say she took that banging you gave her life and poked you right back in yours. Now, it's a good chance both of you are widows. You were galant in the end, you fell on your sword for your hubby much too late, "It's all my fault....Do what you want with me; with us..." Too late to be straight!

Sally Langston

Swipe! You compared yourself to Jesus being betrayed by Judas. Brilliant. Swipe! Everybody is the darned devil except you. Swipe! You confessed to your preacher and scared Jesus out of him!! Swipe!! Your Cray-Card is working overtime now isn't it? Your performance this week was riveting. Hysterical, but riveting. Like Bacon much? My goodness girlie, what's next for you? Holy twerking on stage with the ghost of Daniel Douglass singing a Happy duo with Pharrel wearing a hat and corn cob pipe? Word of advice, just don your little red cape honey, run up the road a piece into the woods near Rock Creek Park, sit there and wait. Someone named Wolfie will be along shortly, to ehem, give you a ride! I have to give it to you, you saved yourself when Fitz threw the debate into your lap just as you were about to commit political suicide. You thought it was God talking to you when indeed, that piggy just threw you his tail to chew on, and you took the bait. Yum yum crispy piggy; yum yum!!

Leo

You're still smarmy. As a potential chief of staff for the new administration I see you being a bit more pettey than Cyrus; you don't have the brain power to be ruthless, you just like to pony-prance about and make statements about that string bean in your britches, who cares about your boner!  Take my advice. Marry Sally. She is going to need a handler 24-7. You've nothing better to do. She's probably getting closer to staying in the White House now, so I'm thinking as a power hungry moron this would probably be the next best move for you. I pray your little victory dance will be short lived - but I'm thinking the two of you deserve each other. You get big ups for having a larger than pea sized brain. When Rowan splained to you that you would be fired. You believed him. That's the first thing you've done that made me believe you are human. Maybe Jake shot your ass,  hey, if he did, I'd pack up and run away with him myself!

Something sexy this way came Jake the snake-fake-boyfriend-paper salesman

OK,  you have truly morphed into the Big Dog. Man you are on fiyar and are transforming into something, I don't want to have to look over my shoulders and see coming! Don't get me wrong, you're neither a Mastodon nor a Smithsonian curator-  the former Command would not be doing his own wet work. It looks to me like you actually like wet work! I'm not even going to inquire as to who you killed, but there's this theory brewing that maybe another anonymous B613 was killed to save both James and David who have now soiled their pants in public and under the streetlight. Why did you switch guns? After the silencer, you switched guns and shot with a revolver, why did you do that? You asked Liv to run away with you.  I get it, you really love this chick.  Are you really willing to wait in the shadows until she becomes bored with the most powerful man, ah excuse me, the second most powerful man in the US.  Will you be there in the shadows waiting to whisk her away? Will this power thing just rock your friggin world? You do realize that you are now becoming another thing that goes bump in the night pretty much like her dad, right? Do you know she is going to start to look at you differently? How could you face her if you had to kill one or two people in which she has a personal relationship?  My bad, too many questions.  *Drops the mike* ... I'm walking away... backing away... I need to keep you in front of me..... nice doggy....

OCP

MUR DER RERS are not laughing matters, yet you insist on surrounding yourself with them.  If just about everyone in your life is a killer, you are certainly in the wrong business, there's nothing to fix here, go straight to the body bags. Unlike the air Mellie breathes, yours must be stifling, and all the time. I see why you take in the here and the now and make it work for you in that moment because one of your loved ones are always running amock!  Hell, I want you to go somewhere and make jam, because you are really not dealing with the stress very well. You should have run away with Jake, now there will be hell to pay.  By the way, heard from Momma lately???

312: We Do Not Touch the First Ladies

Either I’m getting old or my quick talk decoder wasn’t working very well during the latest installment of Scandal.  (Note to self, get batteries for that!) Pardon me as I slow things down a skosh and maybe find a translation or two along the way.  Forgive me in advance for going a little overboard! Have a great weekend Scandalmongers!

The Melody train is about to pull out of the station!

Mellie Mel, girl it’s all about you. I do admit you have some nasty little skeletons in your closet, but I must say, you asked your hubby the wrong series of questions, yet in doing so; you gave him and the rest of the world answers we weren’t quite expecting to hear. I am not going to address your obvious reading of Liv in reference and comparison to your relationship to Senator McSexy, other than to say you were on point, but only to a degree, and that’s on you.

“What does that feel like…?  To be so hot for someone so turned on by them that you would put everything you worked for at risk…? Does it feel good? Is it an amazing high…? Or is it so intense that it actually burns like a fire in your belly?”

There was so much honesty in your question, such clear and presence, such innocence; the windows in your eyes were wide open to your scorched soul. Did you realize you just told your husband you never really had the “hots” for him? You described it as a fire in your belly; girlfriend your MapQuest is off.   Right neighborhood, wrong street, the fire ain’t in your belly. You’ve been neglecting your inner freak for the good of breathing the air that’s rare. (FLOTUS)  OK I get it, you just want that let loose kind of love; that monkey thumpin; that hair pullin; that wall climbin…. scream your lungs out kinda love, right? Sorry Mel, I don’t see that in your future; while you are calculating, you don’t take calculated risks. You have fear of consequences, most of the time.  You’re not the caution to the wind kind of girl. If that were the case, you would have kissed Senator McSexy darn near 20 years ago. He already knew one of your darkest secrets. While you have love for your hubby, you’re faithful, I get it but let’s face it, your marriage was arranged by your daddy; your daddy in law may be your baby daddy, and your other baby daddy doesn’t know his baby may be his daddy baby.  I digress, listen, I don’t normally condone this sort of thing, but you need to get your pipes cleaned, McSexy couldn’t be a better candidate. I need to tell you this though WTW; he’s been waiting over 15 years; don’t expect to walk right the next day. I’m just sayin…  #KISSINISCHEATING

Livvie and the three stooges Jake, Fitz and Poppa Pope

Honey, you realize you are literally sleeping with and fake dating your dad, right?  These three men in your life must have been pissed from the arrogance cesspool. From Fitz’s idiotic idioms in the ‘fox in my henhouse’ tantrum; to Rowan breathing fire in your direction at dinner accusing you of manipulation not concern; to Jake demanding you stock the fridge demeaning popcorn, showering and have fake sex at the end of the day. (BTW – popcorn is indeed food buddy, and wine is a STAPLE).  OK, your discretions are indiscreet. You don’t answer scandalous rumors of sleeping with the President with sleeping with the President, and looks like on the regular! You block off an entire floor of a hotel with a small army of secret service agents, coupled by the HEAD of the most top secret agency in the Republic. You two of you are fighting like an old married couple, you’re not making jam in Vermont!!!!  You must feel really special to have the leadership of the Republic doing you and guarding you while the rest of the world runs Hucking muck.  Somewhere in the City Liv your name is a door, go through it, and get your gladiators in check.  I have a feeling you’re going to be too busy for a Presidential booty call in the coming weeks.  With Poppa Pope and Momma Mya running around the district wreaking havoc, you are going to need all hands on deck with an e. You know what I’m talking about! #UGOTAJOB!

Andrew and Mellie

Senator McSexy. , You had me at Bromance… almost… did you really use that term in reference to Fitz? You are trying to knock down his wife, right?  You’ve got my attention. I have my eyes on you. You are handsome, gallant, romantic – but you are not all nice guy ish. Something sneaky this way comes! With Jackie O, Betty Ford and other first ladies watching you flirt shamelessly with the current FLOTUS.  I’m thinking you lit a fire in her briar patch, because the kiss she laid on you….. Honeyyyy!!! I think she’s on her way to getting her own questions answered. #GETHERDONE!

Abby and David

I love you too! Let me tell you something David, you’ve got yourself a ride-or-die chick right there! Appreciate it, tell her you love her, and don’t miss an opportunity, life as you know it is way too short. Go make little red haired bunnies that favor Harry Potter or something. You keep fooling around with James and you’re going to end up in a trunk for real!  You didn’t learn your lesson when you lost everything over the Defiance scandal was near homeless and sleeping on someone else’s couch? Now you’re involved in a murder investigation in the White House. You can’t win Rocky! How many kidnappers are going to let you keep your phone when they abduct you? Where is your security anyways?  Good call on the abduction Reds, I’m sure it will make for some good bunny cuddling later. Tell him you love him now and see what he says! #BUNNYTYME #RIDEORDIE

Quinn and Huck

Huck, that pitiful look and that cup of coffee you recycled and kept bringing to Liv as a peace offering  was priceless, so was the monster speech to Liv, which doubled as a confession of love for Quinn.

“You ruined her life and then you made me save her and then you gave her to me to take under my wing. … Monsters eat people Liv, that’s what we do…”

Olivia kind of did give you someone to love and you so much with Quinn she wanted to be just like you. What a perfect pair, she couldn’t be another Livvie, or Abby or even Harrison, but baby Huck, yeah; she’s the best part of you.  You tortured her, I bet you still have the teeth you pulled out of her head, didn’t you? Ok, you thought about it, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to drink whiskey, but you have to know Quinn feels the same for you. She uses you as the reason she won’t return “home.” So make up tell her you’re sorry and make her believe it and you will have your little bee buzzing around your life again.  Quinn, drop that looser and go back to the boozer; so you and Huck can drink Whiskey together. Your life in B613 will be short lived; you left home without getting all of your instruction, so go back. No matter which direction you decide to travel in, let it be known that OCP will still direct your path. #MONSTERSDOEATPEOPLE

Cyrus and James

Cyrus did you get a new stylist? For once you looked together, and your hair? Every strand in place, it must be that post-heart attack diet you’re on, right? Now that you know about your darling hubby is at it again, this time his at it is pointed right at you with malice! Whatchu gon do when they come for you bad boy? James, I like it better when you were bitching about having a chunky baby. By the way, where is baby Vaseline or whatever her name is while you try to save the world?  I hope you know by now Cyrus has figured you out and will put a kibosh on this investigation. He has figured out that you are Publius. You might want to take a quick vacay or leave the country because he is gonna be coming for you bay bay! Take the baby with you! #ELLA

Sally, Leo and Hollis

Sally. You’re crazy as a loon. I told you what I hoped for you last week; it’s starting to come true. Maybe next week, he will get up off the floor and speak to you. After all, dead men tell no tales, they are too busy telling the truth, oh yeah, and haunting your ass!  Leo you are still smarmy, you are running game with Hollis, call Quinn and ask her how that worked out for her.  You will find yourself in the bowels of hell messing with this due, trust me, he is evil.  The devil is deep in tails and he’s back, Hollis, I knew it was a matter of time before you re-appeared. You are the only other one who was ass-deep in Defiance that isn’t dead. What kind of train wreck have you prepared for us? #LOONEYTUNES

Harrison - Momma Mya and Adnan Salif

This unlikely threesome is so perfect that it’s scary. There are so many possibilities. Adnan and Harrison, the two of you remind me of a cheap version of the Nick and Mariah non reality show, with Harrison as the Diva which causes me to throw up in my mouth a little. Salif, you slick little trick, you sneaky little terrorist you, what do you have on my future ex-husband Harrison to make him jump like a kangaroo? Harrison, why are you all wimpy around sick-chick, what’s up with that? Momma Mya what do you have to do with them, and which one of these is your other child? I’m sure OCP would love to hear she has a sister-terrorist, or a brother-gladiator. I know you got a kid on the side say you got another I know you got a kid on the side! With all due respect Momma Mya, I know you have a brilliant plan in place even though you’ve been out of 20 year custody like for five minutes. I’m still scared of you. #BITEYOURSELF

311: Ride Sally Ride

SNAPPLED, CRACKED, BALLS, BOOBS, AND POPSICLES!!!

Happy Friday! I have to remind myself that there are only seven weeks left until the finale - which means the mouths will be moving faster than the words will come out, the writers will twist us into a massive frenzy on a weekly basis and leave us walking around in a drunken stupor at the end.  I already have my reservation in Scandal rehab, what say you Scandalmongers??? Happy Weekend! 

Stabbing Sally!

You’ve stabbed the Fitz in the back, split the ticket, and you now want his job. I know.  The devil made you do it, right?  He jumped into your body and took over and just did it. Well Ms. Sally, I’m supposing the devil is also the sponsor of those ginormous balls you have grown also. Oh wait!  Did you take them from your dearly departed hubby after you knifed him in the back?  My hope for you is Daniels Douglass’ ghost and the demons of hell torture you into madness. My bad, you’re already there, totally unhinged, a blithering idiot. As if your episodic demonic possession wasn’t enough; you are in league with Leo; a more smarmy version of Cyrus the monster. My skin is crawling!! Ugh!!!   Let me get this right, you kill your husband you’re a homophobe yet you’re not afraid the fact that you killed your husband be exposed yet you were blackmailed by Grant that it would “get out” your darling daughter had an abortion?  You need to be on your knees praising God honey bunny, until then your bible thumping card will be revoked.  Your Cray card is in the mail. You don’t need a campaign manager. What you need to wake up in the kitchen and wonder how did this ish happen….oh baby.  On the other hand, being a murderer is a presidential trait. Drink watermelon, heifer.  #SNAPPLED

Poppa Pope

You fall from Command now to return to how we met you: MOB (man on bench). Dude; I have no words for you; you are a walking; talking breathing angry grenade. You spew fire from every oracle; your words shoot from your mouth like hollow points and I believe everything you say. Hell yes, I’m ducking!!   Your daughter has an out of body experience and reaches out for a touching moment which she has very few of with you and you just flatten her ass. So you meet with Mr. Smarmy in your personal crusade to bring down the man that knows how your daughter tastes.  Remind me not to kidnap you and strip you down to your t-shirt britches and socks!! #CRACKED #MSCURRED!

Senator McSexy

Andrew Nichols.  You have been chosen as the next running mate to Fitz. You answer the call when you are call, yet your balls are all in a tether for Mellie, OMG!!!  Makes me wonder sooo many things; like where you were when the controversial son of Fitz was fathered; yes Fitz did a lot for you and you owe him, but looks like Mellie did a little sum thin sum thin for you too huh? Right now, you’re new, you’re fresh, and I’m feeling you! #TEAMMELLIE  #THEONETHATGOTAWAY

James

Chile please!  All things did go south after that Daniel Douglass incident, now didn’t’ it? You got the cushy White House gubment job didn’t you? You are going to make Cyrus finish what he started last season; you’re just going to wake up dead. He still has Psycho Charlie on speed dial, but ah, you never knew how close you came to knocking on death’s door.  You are right. You are Cyrus’ weakness. Cyrus is a survivor and I don’t think you’re grown enough to take him. This is not your game honey; being scorned and screwed over does not give you a ticket to the big dance. So you pretend to go to the dark side and are have now decided to work with David to bring down that monster of a husband of yours? You knew exactly who Cyrus was and what he was capable of when you married him.  You see, In order for you to be successful in what you’re about to get into, you are going to have to put your grown up drawers on, and honey, right now, all I see are speedos! Someone is going to get hurt. You’re going to need more than a first aid kit. #SNITCHPLEASE!

Cyrus

You just have too many balls in the air and you need to pay attention and stop talking. It’s cute the way Leo is downright chumping you! I thought no one could back your ass out of a driveway, but here you are run over, naked and bleeding in the middle of the street! Enough already!! Patch your bloody ass up and get back in the game, you are Cyrus the Bean man! Where’s my ruthless monster??? #BALLS

Mellie

You give dating advice to your husband’s side piece for the greater good and the oval; and you do it with such duplicitous catty candor, I just can’t stand it. It’s so YOU!  Black; white; short; tall; just pick one and get busy. Hush now, some skeletons in your closet are about to rise up and poke you, FLOTUS! By the way, if I say so, you’re looking particularly fetching? #SACRIFICE

Jake

Big dog; good dog. #PATRIOT 

Harrison

Adnan is a friggin chick??? Really??? I love you man, but something about you being scared of a chick, then taking your clothes off to do that same chick, after 3 years of us waiting was a little bit anticlimactic. Sigh, put your suit back on, close the windows, and turn the heat up. I got a chill! #POPSICLES

Liv

(BTW Kerry is absolutely glowing and I love the full face and pregnancy shields… I digress!) Yes, Vermont is a long ways off; wait, I can’t believe I actually heard you say that!!! The more I teach you, the dumber I get!  AFTER, daddy dearest told you that you ARE the weapon of choice to end Fitz’s Presidency. What part did you not understand? He won’t see the end of his term. Your daddy is gon get your man girl, I would heed his warning and run.  Remember the hell and the high water? It’s about to get real, now what YOU don’t know is your DADDY has tapes of you and the Fitzaster doing the nasty in your crib. Even before Fitz told him he knew how you tasted, Daddy saw it. Wrangle that. I don’t see a fix to this. Unlike Peyton Manning’s loss in the Superbowl, this story line will be the talk of the offseason.  #REHAB

Fitz!!!

You just make me sick!  How can you make so many emoticons pop into my head simultaneously??? Your passion for Livvie is incredible I love it; but it’s wrong. Your chemistry is steamy, I love it but it’s wrong. You are sexy magnified; I love you; but it’s wrong so I hate you!!  I’m sure while you were locking lips with your side slice, some country north of the Ukraine got mistakenly bombed.  Your balls are going to get a real jostle in the next few weeks, and I will be there right at ringside to watch. You give new meaning to Living La Vida Loca.  #HATEWINKS!

Charliequinn

Pete and Repeat.  Right now the two of you remind me of looney villains in a Batman cartoon. Hold on, your story is going to pop.  Charlie loves you, but you have nowhere to go. You are just using that to keep that bird to keep her under your wing so she won’t fly.  It’s going to backfire man!!! She is using this thing with you as STD (Something to do) while she figures out how to retrieve her Gladiator hat.  She is actually in love with Huck. Huck, unfortunately wants to drink whisky every time he sees her. I’m privately hoping for him to have a sober moment but I’m afraid he will fall off the wagon, and soon. #BOOBS

No Momma Pope yet

Look MommaMia, I know you are hiding in the shadows. You are going to protect your little girl now, aren’t you? Whatever is anti-Poppa, that’s how you are going to roll! See you soon! #MISSINGYOU!

308: Vermont is for Lovers, Too

Was your heart in your chest after watching that? Can you breathe? Hot diggity damn! I’m not sure this mess can get any hotter, grimier, more ratchet, funky, but wait two weeks??? Argh! I’m hoarse from screaming. Adult content warning my butkiss; the last time I looked I was an adult and I wasn’t ready for any of this cauldron of jaded morality. These folks are cutting up ShondaLand; the damn joint is actually in a morals meltdown! Two things right off the back; Mrs. Devil has been unleashed; and it ain’t no fun when the rabbit has the gun! Jiggedy dam dam, Jam?  The Mayor? Vermont? Keep the house Annie Mae, Keep the house, I'm done!  I’m writing this in a whisper because my throat is raw from the screaming and ranting on for another hour after Shonda invaded my living room! (Thanks Leslie for the sympathetic ear!)

Home Sweet Jam Home!

Let the picture do the talking, my whispering is inaudible!

It's all about you MammaMya!

Now you are just plain Shady to me! MammaMaya, girl what the Sam jam hell did YOU do? It isn’t like you ran a red light, was drunk driving, or even punched somebody in the face? What did you do? Did you have a dirty bomb on the plane? Are you B613? How did Eli know that you were veritably saying goodbye and told him to take care of her if you knew you might not come back. He was in on it, wasn’t he? I bet you were his handler weren’t you? You sneaky little minx.  I can see it in you.  BTW you’ve been locked up for what? 20 years? From the looks of your suite you don’t have an ocean or beach view, there are no parks for you to see green grass, no sunlight, no fresh air, girl tell me your secret, what are your hair products? After 20 years, you should at least have a little grey creeping in somewhere AND you look like you’ve been getting perms on the regular. I’m just saying. At least your hair should have SOME type of curl pattern to it. For real, you scare the living crap out of me. You are a wicked little tortured soul; maybe you are a brilliant psychopath; you don’t even get visitors, no one bit Eli knows you are alive! Hannibal Lecter’s soul is tortured, you on the other hand, must have had years to think of your transgressions, and here you are in the ultimate rabbit hole.  You are driven and determined, I got to give you that. I mean there are animals that have been captured who haven’t bitten their own limbs off to escape, but what you do? You do the damned thing; determined and focused as ever.  “Our daughter is asking about you, innocent questions, you will be further away and harder to find, he said” Yup, you had something for old Command, now didn’t you!  Looking forward to see mom and daughter together all dolled up and chillin out a little like this!

OK, to the tune of Jazmine Sullivan’s hit ‘Bust theWindows out Your Car’, is a new song I call and "Ode to Love" from MommaMya to Poppa Pope!










Ode to Love

I chewed my wrists just past the bone
Yes I know it must have broke your heart
Your ass locked me up and I was alone
But right now I don’t care about that part

I chewed my wrist to set me free
I’m going looking for our baby girl
You treated me like the enemy
You told the Doc to sedate me!

I must admit it helped a little bit
To think of how you'd feel, when you saw it
I didn't know that I had that much strength
But I'm glad you see what happens when

You see you can't just play with MaPope’s feelings
you said you’d care for her but don’t mean it
I still see Livvie as a juvenille
But I think that I deserve to smile
ha ha ha ha ha

I chewed my wrist and clocked your Doc
You know I did it 'cause I left my mark
Wrote my initials in his jugular
And then I ran off into the dark

I chewed my wrists because of you
You should feel lucky that that's all I did
Twenty whole years of this
U took my life and then you played with it

Oooh ahh...
I must admit it helped a little bit
To think of how you'd feel when you saw it
I didn't know that I had that much strength
But I'm glad you see what happens when...

You see you can't just play with MaPope’s feelings
Tell me you love me and don't mean it
You'll probably say that it was juvenille
But I think that I deserve to smile
ha ha ha ha ha

If it’s no comfort ....
If it’s no comfort that you stole my world
You ignored my pleas and my cries
Keep me from my baby, my only girl
You are gonna beg me to let you die

Oooh Yeah I did it (Yeah I did it)
You should know it (You should know it)
I ain't sorry (I ain't sorry)
You deserved it (You deserved it)

After what you did to me (After what you did)
You deserved it (You deserved it)
I ain't sorry (I ain't sorry)
no no oh... (I ain't sorry)

You stole my life
So I chewed my wrists
I caused me pain
You did the same

Even though all that you did to me was much worse
I’m gonna do something to make you hurt yeah
Oh yeah Pope you gon be cryin'?
Why you gon feel like you dyin

Oh oh you really hurt me baby
You really you really hurt me baby
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
hey hey hey hey
now watch me yua
now watch me ha ha ha

I’ll pull your heart right out your chest!

307: Everything's Coming Up Mellie

Scandalmongers, last night’s episode was 12 out of 10 heartbeats! The themes of Daddy issues and the lack of family values just exploded. Now I have more questions than ever! 

She’s Alive!

Welcome Momma Pope to ShondaLand! Goodness knows what part you will play, but from what little I see, you can still manipulate the cold heart of Poppa Pope. You will do what it takes to reunite with your baby girl, I hope it won’t be too late! Too many questions, I know I had a hard time breathing when I saw you. I can’t imagine what will happen when Baby girl sees you! You’re the next story untold. Hmm, since you’re alive and all, any chance you had another kid, a boy maybe? Mr. Wright? OK, a girl can hope, right?

Redemption and Revelation

Poppa Pope: Your revelations are growing, but you’ve sort of been redeemed, so far. Now, consider this; you have the ultimate power, but what you don’t have is the power to make your baby girl happy. You know it. You can’t disclose it. You are the King of Secrets. You are the Master Monster Manipulator. You lead her to believe that you are said monster; that horrible murderer that even she should be very afraid. You lead her to believe looking over her shoulder would be hazardous to her health because you let her believe someone may be gaining on her to destroy her. YOU! Your tears last week were because you separated mother and daughter, not because you mourned your wife’s death. You could have taken Liv to her mom and they would have lived somewhere else in the world, but no. You sent your daughter to boarding school soon after the crash. She never again lived in the family house. No comforting; no love; no home; just financial support was what she received from you. All she ever wanted was for you to love her. For years you manipulated her. She showed up for those uncomfortable and creepy Sunday dinners didn’t she? OK, I was right about you Poppa Pope you didn’t kill Momma Pope, but you knew she was hidden away as a prisoner? Why? Was she the one with the “dirty bomb?” So, now we know that Liv is 32 years old. For 15 or so of the last 20 years, you’ve spent trying to be both mom and dad to baby girl; you love her that much. You didn’t want her to get with Fitz because he would eventually lead her to the truth. You have a LOOOT of explaining to do Popi!!! Do you love your wife? I’m kind of hoping you don’t. God knows if you do these things to the people you love, I’m glad I’m not counted in that minority. We’re going to have to send you back to the factory for reprogramming; that’s that. There has definitely been a major malfunction here. I just don’t get you. Your mystery grows every week!

Little Girl You are going to need Therapy!

OCP just lay down on my couch sweetie and relax. Hug sensitive are we? I know you’re still that little girl that misses her mom. The hugs are reserved for her. They are much appreciated though, right? It is sort of an acceptance of others in your life. If love was money, you’re spending in the wrong places to get a return on your investment. Your passion is spent making others happy. You are good at it, don’t get me wrong but you do so much for others to make them whole, yet you have an emotional hole that can’t be filled. Get in touch with that little girl and hug her Liv, it’s all you can do. Start filling up girl. You’re really fragile right now and you need to be strong. Love is something that once you have it true and strong, nothing better will come along. Your love for Momma Pope didn’t die. I believe you honored her in all the ways you possibly could. You’re going to see momma again. So when you get released from me committing you to St. Elizabeth’s after THAT revelation; will you please use your inside voice? You’re so going to scream; or you might just faint! I know your response is going to be epic. Hell, you may just deny it’s her to protect yourself! I’m glad I didn’t see too much of your whine and wine drinking this week. I could deal with the yelling, it wasn’t misplaced. White hats are on Prima Gladiator; for you they would go over a cliff. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is. That’s your family, accept the love. Get your ROI. Fill up.

Loose Lips lead to Ravaged hips?

Jerkoff Gerry aka Daddy Dumbass. OK, if you weren’t dead, I’d send Huck out for some whiskey! You twick fisted suck! How unfathomable! You ramble on revealing top secret information to which less than two dozen people in the WORLD were privy to and then commit sexual assault without skipping a beat? You are too nasty for words. In what world is it EVER ok to rape your son’s wife? Your power and chits can be collected in Congress; not with your family they owe you nothing, least of all loyalty. Fitz’s indifference towards you is justified. I have to now look at your son and his wife in a whole different light.

Mellitz

I loved the two of you together when you were newly married. Your love was young, innocent voracious. Mellie, I could see the aspiration in your face even then. Fitz, you always had that indifference. Boy, not much has changed. You still have the passion for one another, that hasn’t changed. It’s something else this week. It’s clear when you two are on the same team and in sync, nothing can beat you. Kudos to you Fitz for standing by your woman! You are the man; you took charge. It came off as kind of sexy, yeah and cool. Mellie, thanks for letting him, you know, wear the pants. You did well as well. You batted those big beautiful puppy dog eyes of innocence while looking Fitz as if he was the last bone on earth. Those same eyes stared back at the camera to the American people beckoning them to love you. Alas they fell in love with you all over again.

Mellie rises from the Ashes

Girl you are on fire! I’m not quite Team Mellie, but I feel you. I’ve thrown compliments your way before, but each week, you tickle the hell out of me. You are way too entertaining for words, but “honey hush!” this week you’ve outdone yourself haven’t you? Where are you from again? California? Tennessee? Ok, who is YOUR daddy? I know he owns a shotgun! I’m thinking a Daddy’s girl like yourself would have certainly run to him right after the incident with Gerry that you will no longer mention and it would have been handled. You won’t mention it again, but how could you live with the possible evidence from that violent act? That’s a secret I don’t even want that to come out. It seems as a bit of your shine may have been lost, as all that glitters is not gold. Thanks to your verve; resilience, and sheer determination, you find a way to stay on top, don’t you? Brava Girlie! We can get into your son’s lineage when it’s relevant, right now it’s just too damned creepy. Hmmph -I’m done with that. No judgment here honey; I haven’t walked in your pumps, don’t want to do that, they’re too big.

What he didn’t know

Kept in the dark a lot Sir? Sorry Fitz, your bubble is bursting all over the place, it’s just you don’t know it. Your son may be your brother. Snap. Rowan/Command is Liv’s Poppa. Crackle. You think you killed Liv’s mom, but you didn’t. Pop. The truth about operation Remington is about to “conveniently” come out and Liv will be the only that may choose one to save you. Fizzzzzz!… So Mr. President, (I call you that when I give you the respect of being a human being) I appreciate the fact that you care enough to call your sidepiece and check on her. You do care…aw, how nice! Tsk, you’re going to have to lay off for a while on that. So, I’m going to wait until you tell Cyrus that Command is Mr. Pope; the one that ordered you to shoot the plane down because of evidence of dirty bombs aboard. You saved a great portion of England, but you cannot take credit for it because this country sacrificed over 300 lives to do it. No wonder you break out in a cold sweat when people bring up your military record. So, this is what I want you to do. Be Presidential. Take responsibility. Run the country, stop fighting with Command. You have no jurisdiction over B613; he doesn’t report to you, that has been made clear to you on so many occasions (I have a feeling that ship is going to come down all on its own) Take a page out of the book of your dear FLOTUS, your queen; make her sparkle by giving her something she can feel, friendship is a very good start.

Quinn down The Rabbit Hole

Silly Alice – welcome to Wonderland. I told you about being an adrenaline junkie! So you got tempted, didn’t you? I told you it wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. Now you are where you are, B613 owns your sorry little ass. Charlie? Really? You let that spineless jerk seduce you into this life? Please? You played right into their hands, killing what appeared to be the only lead that would give Liv clues to what happened to Momma Pope! You are the fly in the ointment right now. I can say this, your time in B613 won't be long, Command is going down somehow, and Huck, I think he’s got his eyes on you; don’t you think he’s going to smell the stink of the agency all over you?

Charlie

You’re scum.

James

Sorry about this; Flushhhhhhhhhh! What was that you ask? Your Career! You didn’t listen!!! Barbara Walter sized balls! I’m so done with you.

Cyrus

If you would have shown up to my estate looking the way you did, like a deranged trained circus monkey, I would have given you a banana and shown you the way out. Your hair was too much of a distraction in the flashback. I could have given you a better weave, I don’t have my weaveology degree, but I have a really nice curly lace front that would have done you more justice than your attempt to look like the Beatles. All of them. Simultaneously! The way you looked at Mellitz was like a cannibal testing to see if you were too “PO” to eat, I was waiting for you to pinch her cheeks. (Sidebar; my beloved Grandma considered you “PO” if you had no meat on your bones. Don’t ak like y’all don’t know!) You’re so busy trying to get some dirt on Danny boy, some dirt flew in your direction. Now you have to deal with James. He wants to kill you and make love to you at the same time; I would ask the question but God knows I don’t want to know the answer! Anyway after he has been used as the human toilet of the show, I’m afraid a little soap and water may not be enough to clean his mess up. You might try a squishy Asian baby this time. BTW, you had a WIFE??? *Just fainted!*

Sally the Shield

Who knew your dutiful hubby was pitching for the other team or does he do dual duty? Your quest to become President even as an Independent is going to be Epic. Huge! Big Mistake! (In my Pretty Woman voice) I’m giggling with delight to see what Cyrus and Mellie have in store for the two of you.

Charlie

I’d like to say something I forgot to say earlier. You’re nasty scum.

306: Icarus

The Collective “O”

Cyrus, I thought you, Mellie and Fitz were going to have a group orgasm when the “announcement” came that “She’s here,” (You know; Saint Olivia Pope?) You thought she was going to be a good little girl, jump back in the game, two Gucci Pumps in,  Pope Strut strong, be a good team player because “She Wins elections”   ok, did everybody have to say that? Cyrus, you mean ass, you must have sensed something was awry when you made the idiotic attempt to remember the story of “Icarus” while  comparing it to OCP; as the winged mistress flew too high to the sun.  She blew your collective boners after having a moment with the President she decided, she can’t work for him.  Mad Mellie and Cyrus he beast retreat to bitchmode; again! The two of you need to get into the hooch, but take two aspirin first; you will feel better in the morning!

Josie Marcus

Way to lose all the sugary sweetness and get some salt running through your all American blood, huh? Got a temper? Really? Wait until you find out that your daughter/sister is now pregnant with your grandson! Right now, you represent OCP’s passion, first female POTUS, which is good.  I’m going to have to warn you, you are not going get too many chances to try to out Pope the Pope and her team.  Be a good girl and just do what she says, why? Because “She wins elections!” Ask the President.

Quinndrennaline

Exit Huckleberry Quinn as we C Harley Quinn? That was just for you Batman fans.  Quinn, do we have a new partnership brewing?  Is there another psychotic trained killer with a penchant for whiskey in your future?   It looks like Charley is gunning to be your new Batman; my advice kicks this Joker to the curb with quickness. (lol!)You don’t have the thirst you think you do; you want no part of this. Once Command the puppet master gets his claws in you, you are his forever, wuhhahhahhaha! (I was just projecting)   You are the thing to avoid, like Huck does , the thing you don’t look in the eye, like Huck doesn’t; and you are  like that annoying commercial for the animated series that used to come on Sunday nights momma, momma momma, momma,  momma,  momma, mommee,  momma….  I get it; your dad all but rejected you after your trial and all. You were accused of killing your fiancé who got blown to smithereens, during this whole Defiance deal and you’ve trained like a happy lapdog under a walking murderholic who spurns you like last week’s serial killer.  Now you want another crazy pulling your leash? Damn girl, do you! Do what you do, enjoy the ride, your life as you know it is over if you hook up with Command and his minions.  Huckleberry Quinn is not forever lost!

James

You are an aspiring media whore. You thought you were the next big thing and used your matrimonial partnership to preemptively precipitate your propelled path; to which you totally crashed and burned!  You let Cinderella give you what for on your own show?  Grow some Barbara Walter’s sized balls, get your head in the game, or go back to the little league.   The Twinkie was right after all; annoying as hell, but she was right.  You are a fraud and you perpetuated fraud! Go and melt into the arms of your shameless monster. Dude, Fox is calling! 

Poppa Command

Let’s see; who do you control this week.  Fitz the POTUS and (maybe an unwitting) air force pilot.  He clearly has Command Envy; he is doing his level best to destroy you and all you stand for.  It’s clear he doesn’t know the rules, because Cyrus has to consistently remind him that if your two paths intersect, there would be hell to pay. What do you stand for again, oh yeah, the Republic.  You get in a piss fight of power where you both use others to do your bidding. Not now, nor never was the President ever B613, but he was at some point under your “leadership”, because he knew where to find you, in the shadows. Why are you so interested in keeping Fitz in office? Is this a promise or a plan? Cyrus Bean; is he your former student? Were you a teacher, or are we talking about the CIA? Does he know OCP is your daughter; he still refers to her as Olivia Pope. What’s up with that? Your daughter; how do you live with yourself knowing she fears you will kill her or people she cares about, or that she sees you as “that thing that goes bump in the night?”  She has good reason to fear you, that’s not a healthy relationship DAD!  There’s mounting evidence that you killed her mom, I’m still holding out that someone else did it though, but too many roads lead to you.  (Shonda think she’s for slick on this one) I believed when you said you didn’t give the order to have her mom killed. I’m certain however you knew something about it and, I believe you are trying to protect your daughter, but from what?   By the way in the back scenes when you were “preparing” to tell Olivia the news, you looked like some unnatural creature from the UniverSoul circus, not a good look for you. All too fake! No wonder Maya ran!  Huck and Jake – you promised you wouldn’t have them killed – so what was the horny SpyChicky in the alley about to give Jake?  Hot alley sex or a one way first class ticket to heaven?  I think you set these boys up, I think Huck more than Jake has a little bit more heat on your trail than ever.  You can’t be trusted now, can you? 
CharleyQuinn – what are you spying on this chick, why is she important to you and why is it important that she “bloom”?  It looks like the survival rate for female B613 agents is not very encouraging, look out baby Huck!

Rat-Fitz  

Man, are you really that stupid? No wonder the ladies took it into their hands formed an allegiance with the bitch of a beast and the devil himself to get you elected. The hits just keep on knocking you down, don’t they?  You actually thought in your heart of hearts that OCP would go with you on the campaign trail? We can try to be us again. Define “us?”  If I recall, you were the one playing Fitzthemaster Boot knocker, had my girl on the wall, on the desk, on the plane, in somebody elses house, over the…ok, sorry I digress, but you get my point.  Us my Ass! Oh and another thing, in the middle of all this DRAMA  drag your Presidentially swollen gonads to OCP’s place knowing she’s pissed at you. Newsflash Fitzbo – you don’t get to get anywhere near the cookie if you are accused of killing the mom of your Cookie’s cookie!  Take your arrogance down a bit because  the  woman you portend to love so much you know the one  you will forgive of anything does not return your sentiments in this case.

Baby Pope

Mommy issues. Daddy issues.  “I can’t form attachments to people because my mom is dead and my dad is that thing that goes bump in the night!” You were 12; your mom went out the door; looking fabulous as ever I might add in her classic pencil skirt, pastel blazer, clutching her overnight Louis Vuitton bag; stating she was going to call you and daddy when she landed @ Heathrow. You listened to your music, as any distracted and disengaged teenager would. Your mom held you and hugged you as if she knew it would be the last time she would be able to .  I love you, she told you, bye mom you responded. You paid attention, you replayed that moment over and over again in your mind, wishing you could have said more. You have been in a daze ever since hearing about your mom .  You asked your father questions while in a drunken state. He granted you the answer to one of your uncomfortable questions to which you responded with “Did you give the order to have my mother killed?”  Bonnnnk, girlie, wrong question, I believe he answered truthfully when he responded he didn’t have her killed. You asked the wrong question. You should have asked the Fitz question first which would have been the answer to the question you DID ask, thus implementing himself.  I thought you were a lawyer? Go back to your wine, or reminisce on your fruit loops and the sweet memories of your mom over and over. When she resurfaces in a few weeks alive, it’s going to blow your mind.  (328)

Harrison

I’ve been missing you boo.  Other than delivering some whopper lines,  you’ve been the man with the key behind the scenes; with the bat; the one stressing and keeping things together while all hell has broken loose around you. You’re a cool customer now aren’t you?  I’ve been telling you for the longest I’m going to need some of you in my life.  I see you got trouble coming.  Now, I have the chance to help you.  I’m going to drive up to the set, you hop in the boot and we will drive off into the sunset to a secret location.  Inbox me so we can work on the deets!  I won’t hurt you,  er not much, but at least you will have a smile on your face, I’m not sure what Adnan Salif has planned for you, but from the look on your face, it doesn’t look good. Listen, you’re too loyal to Liv to go rogue on this, stay with the team, there is safety in numbers.  Trust them. Trouble is on its way.

Sad Sally

Porbrecita (poor thing) You and hubby Danny have been called, holy hillbillies, bible bullies, etc.  but lookit, your husband‘s boy parts are going to be needed in the coming weeks to play some FLOTUS tag.  Mellie’s not going to be a shrew without a screw for long.  You’ve been hoodwinked by a Pastor who is getting a little more than support from you in the collection plate.

305: More Cattle, Less Bull

Did the  wind get sucked out of ShondaLand? Why can’t I damnit breathe! Wait!  I’m coming to… breathing is slow to resume as I also remember, things are not always what they seem in Twisty-Turny-ville? Right?  Slowly, methodically good storytelling is taking place but why do I feel like I got  “Ooops upside your head” slapped!  As Operation Remington drags along, this week, it was all about Power and Pairings.  Clutch your pearls girls, get your gin men, Ish is about to get real in Gladiator town! Let’s go to the bottom and start at the top!

Poppa Pope and POTUS

I said it before, POTUS, you are a walking Fitzaster! You are ass deep in Remington, now we find out that you may have intentionally or not, killed OCP’s mom? I’m thinking you are more of a puppet than even you know. And how, pray tell do you know Poppa Pope? “You’re in the same place I left you… in the Shadows??” What’s that all about? Do YOU know you were banging his baby girl? He sure as hell does. I will reserve comment on you until all the deets (as slow as they are) come out on this, I have a feeling you were a pawn in Command’s end game. But right now, you’re stock is hot and for all the wrong reasons.  Poppa “The Puppeteer” Pope. You are pulling everybodys strings, I see, but I want to know who is pulling yours! Enter Maya – I’m holding out hope that she is not dead.  I’m wondering who is really going to be the hero and villan in this story line?

Side note: I thought Cyrus was going to soil his pants when Fitz recommended the dissolution of B613 from the Oval Office. His face was darn near Delta red! “Don’t ever” say that again! LOL! The fight between POTUS and COMMAND is brilliant.

Bip and Trip

Cy and Mellie: OMG, enter the campaign manager with the stings of the week with the you dropped a  bomb on me lines, please forgive me while I do a paraphrase mash of a couple of his lines ‘up in here’.  Mellie you are the shrew that needs a screw and apparently a good one! What?? Yes Mellie, I’m looking forward to your response on that.  I guess you hire a campaign manager to not kiss your proverbial ass, but to tell you how while you are not spanking the presidential monkey, a lot of somebody’s else’s are!  Just think of me as a member of the team, you say, big hair and all.  It’s the truth you already knew and was afraid to face.  Mean Cyrus Beane, you actually stood by while this guy called your Mantress a Loser?  You guys are really lost and pressed aren’t you. You were supposed to bite back, or did you leave your teeth in the container in the bathroom? The pair of you are laughable, I’m putting you two boobs back in the tube!

Hardy Boys

Jake and Huck:  I wouldn't at all be happy to have this twosome show up at my door. Love is a damned good motivator, now isn’t it?  Jake, you’re biding your time with Liv; you won’t play second fiddle. I get that. I’m thinking she’s not for you anyways, so just keep it moving.  You are recently unemployed and in search of a career change so maybe your loyalty skills will land you on the team of the Gladiators. Loyalty is the main vein in that body of warriors and you already have that. Question, though, you do know that getting back at her father will ultimately hurt her, right? You do know her heart has been drenched in disaster, lately, right? Did you not notice that black cloud that’s been following her for oh, I don’t know forever???  I’m just checking. Don’t make her start yelling again, it so annoys me when she yells.   Huck you are so touching. You ask Jake if  “Liv “ is happy. Hmm, who are you? Have you  created some  super-secret Universe where the two of you are obliviously dancing naked in the garden of Eden, listening to Earth Wind & Fire, and drinking fine wine; oops , my bad whisky? Come back to solid grown man, you fell in the hole of non-function again. I don’t like you like that.  You creep me out.  OK Hardy boys, you happen to find out some really damning information about the President, right in time for re-election, and just as OCP may be making a choice between two candidates. BOOM! The President may have killed her mom, Maya Pope. Reality check: First of all Hardy boys, how could you just KNOW that Poppa Pope had dastardly damaging information on his HOME computer where there are no major SECURITY measures? What high ranking official keeps such critical information on their personal home computer anyway? Seriously, a man who controls minds and trains killers for a living would not be so stupid as to leave himself so vulnerable at home. He is after all the President of his own invisible Universe to which you are unwitting foot soldiers. So Hardy boys, do the math, how long will it be before Command says, good job?  She’s gonna Yell, I’m telling you. It’s going to be Loud!

Side note: Maya Popes mom is going to be played in flashback scenes by Khandi Alexander.  Looking forward to meeting Momma Pope!

Abby and David

You two horny rascals, I love you together. Go on, get lost and make some red haired, pale, green eyed babies with glasses wearing white hats! Run along now!

Quinn and her little friend

Girl, your thirst is about to burst. Ms. Drill baby Drill – now who are you gonna kill, huh? OK, you got sidelined and put on time out in Montana, but took a sidetrack of your own.  You crafty little hussy!  That shiny little “friend” you’ve just acquired? Girl, you got the wrong hankering and you are in for a hot heaping mess of trouble.  Especially if you might be thinking about going after someone like, say, Hollis Doyle or some random, but bad Intern? You know, for fun? Just sit it down girl. Sit it down.

Mellie and Olivia

We were young and fresh…approval ratings are at a free fall… he needs you… he’s tired  and broken….. he needs you,  so I need you come back come back to us.  Really?  (Don’t do it Kizzi!)  There you go again, Meddling Mellie, if he is to be the man you know he can be, um, how about leaving him the hell alone. You had what you wanted, you had Saint Olivia out of  your life, now, not only are so desparate to have her back, you woo her back in a literal lap dance by boosting her up to be what you envision her to be through your husband’s eye.  He’s not telling you these things, because you sneak around listening in on his conversations and you find him like you have a GPS  chip up his tail.  You are a twick sisted chick.  If you want to turn a blind eye to OLITZ, do that, go on and do some down low ding donging done of  your own and leave these two alone. When Fitz leaves office, divorce him quietly, then be on your way and let them live happily ever after.  They have enough problems of their own. Why do you feel the need to “control” the situation? Last week she was Fitz’s whore.   Now neither of you can live without her?   You can’t have it both ways Ms. Messie.  I recall last year when you made the decision when things went horribly wrong  AND  after condoning  this relationship in the first place to take “your husband back” to engage in some tantric in the making of baby Teddy?  (I really want to say a Dr.  Invitro was involved, not the presidential pole!) You lied then too remember? What’s your end game honey, I know you have one!  Do what you do. Cuz honeeeey you do it good!

OCP.  

OK, Lovvie, I get it. You’re hopelessly in love with the POTUS, but you can’t have him. Weren’t you told that way back in season 2?  You let it go.  Girl it’s your game, not his. Don’t be his and Messie Mellie’s  toy on the shelf.  If  the Fitzaster wants to be with you, he needs to do the right thing.  Why are you still hovering? You are gorgeous! You are brilliant, well most times  when you’re not thinking with your pesky emotions.  Move on, take a Pilates class, hang out with Quinn, get a gun, do something, but forget about that mess of a man that’s married to Mellie!  Yes, in part Scandal is the relationship between you and him, and Mellie, and Jake, and Cyrus, and so on, and so on. You are truly trying to making my moral compass go south,  I do have a true north you know!  (Hallylooyer!)  My advice? Walk fast. Don’t get caught up again. Remember;  When you lie down with dogs, you are sure to wake up with fleas! You’ve been warned!

BTW, I know Darlin’ wasn’t so fond of the hair but I loved your complete look for the Correspondents dinner.  It was a dramatic change for you, but girl - where the hell was catwalk? Really?  You had that Pope strut  turnt up on high now, didn’t you?  

Josie, her sister/daughter

Push me, pull you is the game you played with Liv. You tell her the truth but you don’t want her  to use it. The truth is your friend, right?  You want to run for President, but you have all of these little bones in your closet tapping to get out. Pregnant at 15, your baby daddy is Billy Bob Bustintail; a lover boy who can’t keep his boots from under someone else’s bed .  Oh wait, your sister doesn’t know you had a daughter and your daughter doesn’t know she’s your sister. So Liv’s people POPEd the President’s posse in order to save your patooty and you fire her.  Good going.  Now that you’ve seen her in the light that deserves, you want to hire her back again.  Don’t worry, I’m sure she will come back, but with rules of her own this time.  Tone it down a little, you’re just a little too much on this side of obnoxious!

Annoyable Mention Sad Sally the VEEP

Last but not left, in the aftermath of the Presidential penis predicament here you are, the Saddest Sally of all.  You visit Leo the campaign guy in the men’s room to possibly encourage him to manage your “secret” campaign to become POTUS.  Running as an independent are we Missy? Just the thing  the other two bozo campaigns need,  a third wheel siphoning off the vote! I have to give it to you, you got moxxy!  I’m looking for your star to rise (and fall) with your husband by your side.  He does look, however like he’s hell on wheels.  So enjoy the ride until the damn brakes fall off, they will.  Like tea much?

302: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

All the Popes men; A Bimbo on the Loose

Shonda; it was a little slow girl, sometimes confusing, but I get it, you’re filling me in on the relationship between Liv and Poppa Pope; Liv and Huck; a little of how she met David, and pinch about Mr. Senator the Edison, oh yes, a snippet of Cyrus was in there as well. I caught it girl!  You covered a lot of information and answered some questions, but now I have even more! I also have a creepy suspicion you’re going to set me up!

Who’s Your Daddy?

Bucking Huck! You’re back, all broody and moody to boot. OK, rule number one, it’s never OK to put your hands on Liv, dude, (or any woman for that matter) dayam! She was the one who rescued you from your underground palace. You are kind of even; you saved her life, and she in return saved yours.  Huck, you were the go to, the guy, the rock, now you’re reverting back to the guy who takes “very little effort to kill and (feels a)  lot of joy doing so”. Don’t go back to Wonderland, they might just throw you back down that rabbit hole! The apple fell a little farther from this tree than you think, Command is Command; and Olivia is Olivia.  It took a long time for you to trust again, Liv is good people, she has your back and always did. What’s next, you’re going to put Command in the hole? That would be hysterical!

Not so Bright!

You’re a strong man Edison; a Fine Senator but roommate material only; a fiancé for a fleeting second or two. She used you, and you’re a little too serious for Liv. Evidently you weren’t the guy for the job from the giddy-up according to Daddy-dearest. A broken leg or two and a collar bone, a broken heart and an empty bed? Someone with your fine (did I say fine?) stature and standing should know better and do better. Doesn’t this puzzle you that all if this pain came in missile projectiles from the direction of one woman? You are on the Senatorial Intelligence committee, need I remind you to get an investigation going? Figure it out, once you do, maybe I’ll put you back on the contenders list. BTW, you know she had no intentions of doing that matrimonial thing with you. You do know that, right?

Balls of confusion

Mellie; there you go again, playing with someone else’s balls, i.e.;  that two million dollars you almost spent, now where was it coming from the FLOTUS account, or your baby’s trust fund? That’s a small price to pay to stay in power wouldn’t you say? Oh BTW Mel, when WAS the last time you saw them? You know the balls? Cyrus;  Let’s make a deal, which door is it going to be, number one or number two? How presidential are my balls now Cy? Excuse me, that’s hysterical laughter caught in my throat!!!

Fitz; you are enigmatic, charismatic, romantic, pragmataic and I feel like locking you in an attic! Don’t you have a country to run? You are doing everything else but that!! OK, you actually played basketball with the Dali Llama but you fantasized with your mistress about being the Mayor and half of a biracial duo in Vermont. Yes, and she makes jelly! Jelly???  Why couldn’t she crochet sweaters or something? “You’re the one I wanna call”, you quip to her; you’re the most powerful man in the free world and you cannot have what you want.  I digress. You are bragging, rather lying to try to convince the VEEP about shagging an intern “six ways to Sunday all over the White House” AND about how in doing so and confessing your public will forgive you.  Sally’s body language got caught up in your web momentarily as you were only a breath away and delivered the news to her in a slimey-sexy-your-ass-could-be-next-if-you-play-your cards right, kind of way.  She looked like she needed a cigarette after that exchange!  I know I did! Nice rip on Mellie and the Bean about how horrible it was to thrown this innocent young girl under the bus. Hold on; wait a minute; let me put some truth up in it!!  You did an about face and tossed the poor child under the bus yourself because your Side Piece yelled at you! There I said it! She reminded you that there was a reason you aren’t married to her and have four kids. You are the POTUS and ORDERED you to get her ex-lover out from the hands of the Dark Father.  So what do you do? You pick up your presidential balls  tuck them between your own tail, and do what she tells you to do, when you’re done, you throw them up in Cy’s face. OK, Fitz, there is something really truly broken about you.  I don’t know who can fix it, I don’t know if Remington is the source, but we know that’s going to heat up. Oh, BTW you do realize Jake is gonna get some of that cake before you even think about frosting it! I don’t know whether to slap you or laugh at you!

Bimbo on the loose

Janine – you poor pitiful pawn. Is everybody stupid at the White House? You knew Fitz was having an affair and no one snooped? You mean to tell me there was no one that could have seen Olivia and POTUS there together? Really?  Great career choice claiming something that you’re not.  Hey, I have Monica’s number on speed dial, just in case you want to call for career advice.  At the end of the day you’re telling me you will fake the affair for two million dollars in exchange for your reputation? That’s the going rate these days? 2 million in a Cayman account tax free, might as well profit off it? Aaaaah noooo!  You’re  a fake “knock off” who is no longer relevant. Good luck with that book deal.  Okay?

Some six foot somebody

Jake; ok, you’re back. You’re broken. I’m looking forward to seeing if you will be good Jake or bad Jake. Now that we know who you are and who you work for, surely you didn’t know you were playing pokem with the boss’ daughter?

MOB; Rowan; Command; Poppa Pope; Eli aka the BEAST

Your face has many names, now you have a new description (albeit self-defined); “Mastodon, a solitary creature with sharper teeth than its cousin the mammoth gets all the glory the Mastodon is a far more dangerous beast. “  Sound familiar? No? Look in the mirror!!! I must say from the flashbacks I can see how controlling you have to be with everything you put your hands on; you can’t control your daughter though, can you? You control B-613 who apparently does not serve The President, and according to the Bean, no world leader would want you as their enemy!  How insanely crazy was it to see you in your Cliff Huxtable sweaters, with almost a whisper of a voice, the cooking, the doting, introducing fine wine to your darling daughter, expressing love and pride towards your sweet girl.  (BTW is she your only child?)   You look so much like you were trying to make a good impression. (or you needed some fiber in your diet!) I almost bought it until you turned into the control freakum BEAST that you are! “I’m your father, so I’ m going to explain to you how you are to behave in my presence. (BEHAVE? Really?)  You do not ask questions that you cannot handle the answer to; you do not make judgments about things you cannot imagine; you don’t know me that way, you don’t ever want to know me that way, but if you push you will know me well, (Sounds like a threat!) and that would break my heart (But you don’t have one!) because I’m enjoying these Sunday dinners that you make me pay for.”  Damn, was she four or twenty four?  OK, to her knowledge and by your admission, you have maimed at least three men she was close to. It seems to me the least you should do is pick up the tab for dinner; especially since you don’t quite qualify for Father of the Year! “We are family sweetie; we are never done. “   (Where is the rest of the family?) You made more than one reference to “extortion” in reference to Liv; I’m wondering, what does she have on you Dark Father Void of Soul? *in my James Brown voice* “ I don’t know, but whatsoever it is, it’s gotta be Funkay!!!

I’m down with OCP, Yeah You Know Me!

Olivia Carol Pope! That’s what your mom called you when you got in trouble didn’t she?  I’m looking forward to meeting her, I know she’s lurking in the wings somewhere, I KNOW she’s not dead. It’s not possible.  I’m thinking she’s an uber sexy and equally controlling type who has the upper hand over your dad. I know you something on your dad and I’m thinking your mom got pregnant with Harrison by another man and was voted off the island by the Dark Father. Hey, he had the power to send you anywhere in the world, right? Why not ship Mama Pope out?  We know you got your love of fine wines from your dad that’s not all you got is it?  You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important. You is Crazy!!! Now that you got Jake back, what the hell do you think are you going to do with him introduce him to daddy? Daddy already saw how he introduced himself to you! LOL! You have a little bit control freak in you too, don’t you?  I like it, don’t get me wrong; last season you were pouty and whiney, and waiting, and you were wearing my nerves down. This year, I’m not sure who you HAVEN”T YELLED AT! Don’t get me wrong girl, you are the Queen of the Gladiators, but maybe you need a plumber clanging on those pipes again! You like the dark and twisty lost soul of a guy, yet you are also drawn to power.  You want to save the world, a little bit at a time. I must say you look fabulous while doing it, I need to know this, where do you get your coats???? You clearly have issues with the truth and with your dad.  Take some free advice, ok remove all the cameras from your house; don’t fall in love; don’t take in any more strays, and for heaven’s sake, find a reason not to do those Sunday dinners with your dad. They creep ME out! You should have stayed on the plane girl, I’m feeling some kind of way about this season.